And when the four-year-old is in tears about everything, you almost hope he has a fever of 101.4, just to explain his depths of despondency. (I did take his temperature and it was a mundane 96.7. Booooring.)
My temporary solution is to put Z down for his nap and G for his computer time a whole hour early, while I hide in my room and recover my cool and morale. It's gonna be a looong afternoon once naptime's over, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Now that I've vented about my current motherhood woes, I'd like to tell you about the truly *special* day that was yesterday. You see, yesterday was my birthday.
Not my "belly button birthday," as some refer to it, but my program birthday: I have now been a member of Al-Anon for one year.
Last January, I realized that a close friend's drinking had spiraled out of control, and as I dealt with my more visible issues of grief over my mother-in-law's recent death, my internal quality of life was rapidly spiraling downhill too. I tried to manage, manipulate, bargain, sacrifice, appease my alcoholic friend--anything that seemed like it might make her destructive drinking stop. All that my efforts did, however, was keep me in a state of exhaustion, anger, and fear. She was obsessed with alcohol and I was obsessed with her.
My wonderful therapist (who I'd been seeing since after my mom died) suggested I try out Al-Anon. I politely smiled at the suggestion and filed it away in my "maybe someday" list, but after another month or so of frustration, I decided I had nothing to lose and found a group meeting near my home.
My life changed at that meeting in March last year. Sitting around the table was a handful of very different people. Some were spouses of drug addicts, some had alcoholic children, some had grown up in an alcoholic household. And yet they all talked about how desperately they wanted to control their lives and environments...how they frequently lost sight of their own needs as they tried to care for others...how they beat themselves up for their failures and inadequacies...how they wanted to just "fix" the alcoholic...how they suspected deep down that the drinking was their own fault...how they were angry, scared, and controlling--just like me.
But I saw and heard something else at that meeting. Laughter. Smiles. Hope. And the Incredible yet Mysterious word, "Serenity."
Like most of the newcomers that have joined our weekly meetings since, I asked the famous question of the group: "What do I do to help her??" My question was met with kind smiles and a couple personal stories of how caring for their own needs had changed members' lives, but no direct answers. At the end of the meeting, they gave me some brochures, some hugs, and the earnest encouragement to "Keep coming back."
Back at home, I read through the brochures and cried when I read, "You didn't cause alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." But I want to fix it!!! Yet the words about "changed attitudes" and "discovering our self-worth" and "easing our emotional burdens" were intriguing enough to bring me back to a second meeting. And a third. And after 12 months of attending meetings almost every week and beginning study of the 12 steps, I can say today that I am a different person than I was a year ago.
 |
| Al-Anon is a spiritual program, but not religious. "God" is one name I have for my Higher Power. |
She has to want to change. She has to get herself into--and out of--her own crises. She has to come to grips with the reality of her own situation...I can't do that for her. Knowing this reality lifted a huge burden from my heart!
I learned I can have happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
Her sobriety does not equal my serenity. She can make her own choices and I can make mine. Today I can choose to look for the positive things around me--my family, the sunshine, a song--rather than succumbing to self-pity or contempt.
I learned I am precious, loved, and cared for.
Me! I'm worth something! A lot, in fact! My Higher Power, my loving God, has good plans for me and a big picture I can trust, even if I can't quite see it all. Taking care of myself is the right thing to do, not a thing to get to "if I have time left over."
I learned my "coping" habits color my whole life.
Getting angry with myself or others when something isn't done "the right way"; constantly criticizing myself; trying to directly or passively control someone else's choices; avoiding or appeasing conflict; working to please other people at the cost of being genuine--these are all things I have to work through every day. It is sobering (no pun intended) to look at how much of my life has been spent in Angst and "shoulds." Spent basically being afraid to accept myself or others for who we are. Ouch.
I learned I can heal.
My Al-Anon friends have noticed. My alcoholic has noticed. My family has noticed. I have noticed that my heart is lighter. It's easier for me to be thankful. I'm less afraid of conflict. I'm more confident to make my own choices. I have more self-respect. I succumb to fears and anxieties less often. I'm less envious of other people's lives. I'm more hopeful. I have feelings of delight when I think about God, rather than feelings of suspicion. I'm more realistic about my shortcomings and am actually excited about working on them.
So now you know something I've been working on basically every day the whole time I've been writing this blog. Betcha had no idea! Kinda makes you think, right?
How many of your friends struggle with a hidden addiction or loved one's addiction? How many others are living like I was, going out of my mind and losing myself, unaware that courage, strength, and hope can be real? How many others lost parts of themselves as children, being parents to their parents but never learning to parent the child within themselves? How many others take responsibility for their grown children's destructive habits, unable to understand how a loving home didn't prevent addiction?
And if this post speaks to you in a very personal way, let me ask you this last question: How long are you going to wait to heal?
My name is Rachel, and I'm grateful for Al-Anon. I'm going to keep coming back.
P.S. If you are wondering why I haven't said anything about my friend's recovery, you may have missed the point of this post. Whether she's in recovery or not is irrelevant to my healing journey. But I do pray for her healing. A whole and serene life is too wonderful to miss.
No comments:
Post a Comment