Today I am completely humbled and filled with gratefulness. I have such an easy life.
When my parents were newlywed college students, they were asked to take part in a broad study that looked at employment history and wages and family relationships. They continued to be interviewed every few years, and when we kids rolled around, we started being interviewed too. "Here comes the Interview Lady!" someone would announce, and the rest of the day was spent with a nicely-dressed woman with a clipboard and rudimentary laptop, who questioned the eight of us in turn for hours.
This process has continued with us "kids" into adulthood, and today I had my interview. I was asked about family relationships, about income, about employment history, about my children, my religion, my personality traits, and so-on (it took three hours; this is a serious study!). The more questions I answered, the humbler I became. Yeah, my parents and I have made a lot of good choices, but so much of where I am today has absolutely nothing to do with being "good." My heart breaks for those for whom the answers to these questions are completely different from mine.
"In the last 12 months, have you ever been without a place you could depend on to sleep?" No.
"In the last 12 months, how often have you felt you were treated more unfairly than other people?" Never.
"Have you ever been been personally beaten or the victim of any other violent crime?" No.
"How often have you gone without something you need, because you could not afford it?" Never.
"Think about your childhood. Was there ever a period when your family did not have enough to eat?" No.
"How often do members of your family have calm discussions? Every day, a few times a week, once or twice a month, several times a year, or Never?" Every day.
"Other than spankings, how often do members of your family hit each other?" Never.
"In the last 12 months, were you ever denied employment because of being treated unfairly?" No.
"Within your day-to-day life, how often do you feel you receive the same respect as other people? Every day, a few times a week, once or twice a month, several times a year, or Never?" Every day.
"In the last 12 months, how often were you unfairly stopped, targeted, or questioned by law enforcement?" Never.
"Have you ever seriously contemplated suicide?" No.
"In the last 3 months, how many days of work or school did you miss because you were physically or emotionally unable to attend?" Zero. (Yes, even SAHMs can miss work by literally not being able to get out of bed.)
"In the last 12 months, how many days of work or school did you miss because you were physically ill?" Three. Three days only.
"During the last 3 months, how often did G or Z seem confused, as if in a fog, or unresponsive?" Never.
"All in all, how would you rate your satisfaction in life? Very satisfied, somewhat satisfied, somewhat dissatisfied, or very dissatisfied?" Very satisfied.
My life isn't perfect. I had an emotionally difficult time answering questions about whether I'd lost anyone close to me in the last four years (Yes, three women); and I answered that my biological mother was 52 years old when she died; and yes, I'd lost a home to a foreclosure. But I've dealt with those things without ever dealing with discrimination based on my age, gender, ethnicity, or economic status; without ever struggling to buy my children nutritious food; without ever worrying about where we would sleep the next day/week/month.
Why me? Why do I happen to be a Caucasian in a country where Caucasians are generally treated with respect? Why did I happen to be born into a family with a continued upward economic trajectory? Why did I happen to have children born to me without any physical or mental illnesses? Why do I happen to be alive in a time and place where women are given at the very least the same legal respect as men? Why do I happen to even be alive today?
I don't know the "why"s, but I do know this: It's not because of me. Every single one of those answers could change tomorrow, but that still wouldn't be because of me.
I am so humbled at the gifts God has chosen to give me at this time, and sobered as I contemplate how to share them. I am so thankful for Today. Tonight's prayer is that I can be just as thankful tomorrow...whether I'm given the same gifts or not.
Magnolias
Showing posts with label SAHM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SAHM. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Five Minute Update, 14 October 2014
This morning has been full since school drop-off, including a brisk walk with a friend and a rehearsal with another friend for a wedding gig this weekend. My thought had been to hit the grocery store after rehearsal before having to turn around and pick up the boys from school--you know it's time for a grocery run when you don't have bread, milk, tortillas, or microwave popcorn--but I was having such a good time singing and chatting with my friend that shopping will have to wait. (I had two microwaved hot dogs--bunless--for lunch. Don't judge.)
So with the 25 minutes or so I have left, I thought I'd pop in and post some updates! Yesterday I realized I didn't write a single post in September, which I will attribute to the following reasons:
- I've been working my bum off during my morning kidless times on home projects (posts about those to follow)
- those projects and life in general tire me out, so I spend the kids' afternoon video game time napping (don't judge)
- with G in 4th grade and Z in 1st, post-dinner times are filled with homeschool work
- by time the boys are in bed, Jay and I want time together, and I'm too brain-dead to write anyway
- I feel insecure writing about my home improvement projects because I'm not a famous home blogger a la "Young House Love"
But I miss writing and I am pretty excited to share what I've been working on around here. So check in over the next day or seven as I get this thing updated! :-)
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Missing Out? 8 May 2014
Today would have been my mom's 57th birthday.
This year, it comes three days before the now-dreaded Hallmark Holiday called "Mothers' Day," which after my four years of grief would be better named "Rub It in Your Face That You're Sad Day." Rub it in your face that not only I, but also my husband, no longer have a mom. Rub it in your face that my friend was supposed to celebrate Mother's Day as a mom this year, but because her baby died, she won't. Rub it in your face that the little boy across the street has a mother who only comes by his house every couple of weeks to raid the frig...and he doesn't even really notice when she's gone. Rub it in your face that my dear friend longs to be a mother, to be married, to be cherished by her own little family, but yet-again this year she hasn't met Mr. Right.
So I make a wide berth around greeting card aisles this time of year, ignore advertisements that glibly invite "Celebrate Mom!" and wrestle with whether to attempt attending church on Mother's Day. And I feel sad. And angry.
And I've been feeling sad and angry on various levels for four years--ever since I discovered that "bad stuff" can happen to me and to those I love. Now I'm more aware of bad stuff happening all over the world, too, and the weight of grief and anger for the injustices and brokenness of the world is heavy. Which brings me to a realization I started having while lying in bed at 11 p.m. last night.
I think I've been clinging to my right to be angry.
In my quest to break free from my culture's stifling you-have-three-days-of-allowed-bereavement and don't-cry-in-public and you're-not-over-that-yet? attitudes, I've tried to be open about my feelings, embrace the reality of pain, and encourage others to be honest with God about their anger and sadness. Just look at this blog! Over 1/3 of my posts since beginning two years ago are labeled with grief, sadness, crying, or death.
This has been--and is--important. But am I now so focused on the need to work through grief that I've lost focus on the greater need to be whole?
"Gee Rachel," you might be thinking, "it's been over a month since you blogged last and this is what you show up to write about? We want to hear about your music job! How are Jay, G, and Z? Made any ridiculously-large batches of food lately? Why so philosophical today? Oh, it must be because it's your mom's birthday." Actually, that's only partially true. The real answer to this morning's frame of mind has to do with those other questions you asked, so let me back up a bit.
April 28th was the last day of my wage-earning job as a church music director. The very next day, Z got the flu. Three days after that, G got the flu. (Thanks for waiting for me, guys.) So I came off four months of being absolutely in my element in an office outside my house with adults away from Mom Duty to a week and a half of being glued to my house with sick kids. Moreover, their school class schedule is different this week, so we've been given extra homeschooling work. From half-time professional to full-time mom/nurse/homeschool teacher. Brutal. I'm not making light of this; it's been rough.
Yesterday evening, wandering listlessly around the house after a day of homeschooling, washing sheets, doing dishes, finding food that would tempt an indisposed child, and being sick of trying to pass any remaining downtime with Facebook and television, I picked up a book that had been sitting untouched on my nightstand for months. I'm not even sure how it showed up there. (If you loaned it to me, speak up and I'll return it to you when I'm done reading it.)
Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts looks boring on the cover, honestly, and it's a pretty generic title. I only picked it up last night because I was tired of muttering to myself, "I'm bored." Turns out, the book isn't boring. It's about the journey of a stay-at-home mom with grief skeletons in her closet, struggling to get out of bed every day, and sick and tired of not having a full, whole, joyous life.
It sounded a little too familiar.
When I put the book down at 11 p.m. and Jay turned off the lamp, I had a lot of questions for myself in the dark. What do I want? Am I letting my right to grieve hold me back from joy in the present? Are daydreams of Someday Success cheating me out of Today? Are there wholeness and health in the daily doldrums? What if I make peace with the pain? Will I just be given more pain and more humdrum, or could making peace make more space for goodness? At least if I'm braced for pain I'm not caught off-guard when it happens. But am I watching out more for blows than I am on the lookout for beauty?
I fell asleep and dreamed that my mom had decorated the house for Christmas in October and that I was practicing a fantastic soprano part for a women's quartet. I woke up five hours later, feeling surprisingly rested, but with the night's questions still swirling in my mind.
Now the sun is up; the boys are getting out cereal and I need to pour milk in bowls and get started on their homework and sort the laundry. Life is happening, whether I'm geared up for it or not. Today, I miss my mom--I miss our moms; and I'm starting to ask myself, What else am I missing?
 |
| Mom (and Essie) blows out candles on the cake I made for her 38th birthday |
This year, it comes three days before the now-dreaded Hallmark Holiday called "Mothers' Day," which after my four years of grief would be better named "Rub It in Your Face That You're Sad Day." Rub it in your face that not only I, but also my husband, no longer have a mom. Rub it in your face that my friend was supposed to celebrate Mother's Day as a mom this year, but because her baby died, she won't. Rub it in your face that the little boy across the street has a mother who only comes by his house every couple of weeks to raid the frig...and he doesn't even really notice when she's gone. Rub it in your face that my dear friend longs to be a mother, to be married, to be cherished by her own little family, but yet-again this year she hasn't met Mr. Right.
So I make a wide berth around greeting card aisles this time of year, ignore advertisements that glibly invite "Celebrate Mom!" and wrestle with whether to attempt attending church on Mother's Day. And I feel sad. And angry.
And I've been feeling sad and angry on various levels for four years--ever since I discovered that "bad stuff" can happen to me and to those I love. Now I'm more aware of bad stuff happening all over the world, too, and the weight of grief and anger for the injustices and brokenness of the world is heavy. Which brings me to a realization I started having while lying in bed at 11 p.m. last night.
I think I've been clinging to my right to be angry.
In my quest to break free from my culture's stifling you-have-three-days-of-allowed-bereavement and don't-cry-in-public and you're-not-over-that-yet? attitudes, I've tried to be open about my feelings, embrace the reality of pain, and encourage others to be honest with God about their anger and sadness. Just look at this blog! Over 1/3 of my posts since beginning two years ago are labeled with grief, sadness, crying, or death.
This has been--and is--important. But am I now so focused on the need to work through grief that I've lost focus on the greater need to be whole?
"Gee Rachel," you might be thinking, "it's been over a month since you blogged last and this is what you show up to write about? We want to hear about your music job! How are Jay, G, and Z? Made any ridiculously-large batches of food lately? Why so philosophical today? Oh, it must be because it's your mom's birthday." Actually, that's only partially true. The real answer to this morning's frame of mind has to do with those other questions you asked, so let me back up a bit.
April 28th was the last day of my wage-earning job as a church music director. The very next day, Z got the flu. Three days after that, G got the flu. (Thanks for waiting for me, guys.) So I came off four months of being absolutely in my element in an office outside my house with adults away from Mom Duty to a week and a half of being glued to my house with sick kids. Moreover, their school class schedule is different this week, so we've been given extra homeschooling work. From half-time professional to full-time mom/nurse/homeschool teacher. Brutal. I'm not making light of this; it's been rough.
Yesterday evening, wandering listlessly around the house after a day of homeschooling, washing sheets, doing dishes, finding food that would tempt an indisposed child, and being sick of trying to pass any remaining downtime with Facebook and television, I picked up a book that had been sitting untouched on my nightstand for months. I'm not even sure how it showed up there. (If you loaned it to me, speak up and I'll return it to you when I'm done reading it.)
Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts looks boring on the cover, honestly, and it's a pretty generic title. I only picked it up last night because I was tired of muttering to myself, "I'm bored." Turns out, the book isn't boring. It's about the journey of a stay-at-home mom with grief skeletons in her closet, struggling to get out of bed every day, and sick and tired of not having a full, whole, joyous life.
It sounded a little too familiar.
When I put the book down at 11 p.m. and Jay turned off the lamp, I had a lot of questions for myself in the dark. What do I want? Am I letting my right to grieve hold me back from joy in the present? Are daydreams of Someday Success cheating me out of Today? Are there wholeness and health in the daily doldrums? What if I make peace with the pain? Will I just be given more pain and more humdrum, or could making peace make more space for goodness? At least if I'm braced for pain I'm not caught off-guard when it happens. But am I watching out more for blows than I am on the lookout for beauty?
I fell asleep and dreamed that my mom had decorated the house for Christmas in October and that I was practicing a fantastic soprano part for a women's quartet. I woke up five hours later, feeling surprisingly rested, but with the night's questions still swirling in my mind.
Now the sun is up; the boys are getting out cereal and I need to pour milk in bowls and get started on their homework and sort the laundry. Life is happening, whether I'm geared up for it or not. Today, I miss my mom--I miss our moms; and I'm starting to ask myself, What else am I missing?
Saturday, December 28, 2013
An Unexpected Gift, 28 December 2013
Today I am recovering from Christmas! Thanks to my blessed FIL and Mrs. FIL, the kids had a sleepover with them last night and I slept until 9:00 this morning. Heavenly! Now, after hot tea and a toasted bagel, I'm back under the blankets, still in my flannel nightgown (no photos forthcoming). I can think of few better ways to recover from the flurry of planning and socializing that characterized this year's holiday! (Okay, let's be honest: a bungalow on a white-sanded beach or a cabin in snow-bound woods could probably be even more restorative than this, but both of those involve driving or flying, plus rental fees, so I think I'm good with the current scenario.)
While out to a delicious New Orleans-style dinner last night (thank you again to the FILs!), Jay and I discussed how we can prevent next year's Christmas season from being as thoroughly exhausting as this year's was. We came up with a few ideas.
While out to a delicious New Orleans-style dinner last night (thank you again to the FILs!), Jay and I discussed how we can prevent next year's Christmas season from being as thoroughly exhausting as this year's was. We came up with a few ideas.
- Keep the house more orderly going into the hosting season to prevent a sudden loooooooooooooooong to-do list of chores.
- Spread out the various family events. Three Christmas celebrations three days in a row (with book-ending celebratory weekends) was just a bit much.
- Pester gift recipients for their wishlists and do the shopping (preferably online) before December.
- Apply for, be interviewed for, and accept any new jobs before mid-December.
I'm sure you nodded to yourself as you read the first three, possibly glazing over a bit at how predictably generic they are, but you may have been caught a bit off-guard by the last item. I shall elaborate.
Jay read a book a number of years ago that described three main kinds of labor: Wage, Reproductive, and Domestic. For the first years of our marriage, Jay and I were both engaged in full-time wage labor (working for a monetary income). When we decided to start having kids, I shifted to part-time wage labor and full-time reproductive labor (growing a human being is a 24-7 job!). Once we had two children, I transitioned into full-time domestic labor; some call this being a stay-at-home-mom, others call it being a homemaker, and my favorite is the title my parents gave it: Domestic Engineer.
 |
| I've used this cartoon in a post before. I like it. :-) Although to be clear, I don't daily wear skirts and heels. And I don't drive a station wagon. |
The above paragraph is a fancy way of saying that I have not had a money-paying job for over five years. Jay and I are definitely at peace with that, because we place high value on all three kinds of labor, and this has seemed the best way to do things for our little family. But starting January 2nd, I will have a money-earning job!
No, I'm not "going back to work" full-time (just 17 hours a week), and it's not even a permanent position. I will be acting as Interim Music Director at a local church for three or four months while their leadership looks for a permanent person. It will involve directing their small adult choir through rehearsals and Sunday mornings, teaching two 1/2-hour music classes to elementary kids once-a-week, and selecting and leading songs for two worship services per week. This is a super opportunity for me for many reasons!
In the first place, this has come at a great time. Those 17 hours a week include the weeknight/Sunday services, so my other prep time will fit neatly into the eight hours per week both my kids are at class. In the second place, this is so great for me is because it is a temporary position. I'm not ready to commit to a long-term wage-job, and Jay and I aren't ready to make decisions about whether we'd move our family to another congregation. (While I'm working at this church, Jay and the kids will continue to attend our "regular" church family; it would just be too disruptive for the kids to switch congregations, and Jay and I are still very much "at home" there.)
A third reason this opportunity is perfect for me is that--unfortunately--the situation with the church's previous music director has been messy, and there are wounded people left in the wake. One of the things they want in an interim director is someone who will enter and gently love on their congregation. And you know what? I'm really good at loving on people. I'm not tooting my own horn here, it's just acknowledging that through my various life experiences, God has given me a growing capacity for compassion and tenderness. This is not to say that I won't be extremely challenged and stretched through this time, but I think I'm coming into it with a background that prepares me well.
Another reason I'm so excited about this opportunity is that it is a paying music job. Paying. Music. Don't get me wrong...I enjoy all the volunteer-music I do, but there is something incredible about being given money to use the skills I've worked so hard for (I have a Bachelor's of Music degree; for the whole long scoop on my history with music, grab a coffee and read about it here). I am so excited about taking time to plan, produce, and participate in music on a consistent basis! And I'm getting paid, too!! WOW!!!
 |
| I'll try to moderate my music choices, heehee |
Not gonna lie though...I'm nervous too. Logistically, everything I've done in my few alone-time weekday morning hours will have to find other slots while I'm involved with this new job. Emotionally, I'm coming into a somewhat volatile situation and I'm not sure what interpersonal dynamics/demands will be like. Mentally, I'll be stretched by a new church service format and by the weekly kids' classes I'll be teaching, especially. And this will certainly be challenging spiritually. (My observation has been that when someone is in a ministry-type leadership position, they tend to get hit with a lot of life difficulties, from home plumbing problems to kid behavioral issues to health crises etc. These things could be attributed to any number of factors; perhaps simply the added strain of leadership creates extra tension; but I believe that there are very real forces of good and evil at work in the world, and when the good is moving forward, the evil strikes back. Star Wars, the Matrix, and a lot of other "epic" stories seem to tap into this idea.)
So yes, I'm really thrilled at this opportunity to use my music skills, gain new experience, meet new people, and be stretched as I love and learn. The timing and the nature of it feels like such a gift from my loving God, even if it did enter my life in a particularly crazy month. I'm thinking a little eggnog and television with my family just might be a great way to wind up our celebrations before this new whirlwind hits the first week of January. A couple more mornings of sleeping-in would be great, too.
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Home Alone, 28 August 2013
Today is a major milestone in the life of Rachel.
Why? Because for the first time in my life, both of my children are at school.
Give it up, what!!
Did I shed tears upon leaving little Z at his Kindergarten class today? Not a one. Is it because I'm heartless? Not at all. See, the deal is, the kids are only in class for 4.5 hours, 40 minutes of which is spent by me driving back and forth to the school. Furthermore, Z is only in class two mornings a week, so we still have puh-lenty of time together. (For any of you not familiar, my kids go to a school that is about 70% in-class learning and 30% homeschool. Teachers send a packet of work home at the beginning of the week and the parents guide the kids through it. We've already been doing the homeschool work for the past two weeks, which you can read about here and here.)
So what have I done with the first morning on my own?? I'll give you some hints. Not this:
Or this:
Or this:
Or this:
But neither have I done this today (although I did eat two muffins):
What I did do is actually fairly mundane--I took a walk with a friend, showered, snacked, read my devotionals, and puttered on Facebook. Oh, I also trimmed down some potted chrysanthemums, which took all of two minutes. Oh, and I put away the cereal boxes left on the table from breakfast. And now I should really eat some sort of lunch before I leave to pick up the kids in 10 minutes.
But while this morning wasn't a red-letter day in terms of what I did--or didn't--do, it IS significant that I did those things without my kids. This little introverted gal is very appreciative of the people teaching my kids this morning.
Once they get home, I'll be back "on" with homework and chores and whathaveyou, but I get to have this "free" morning again next week. And the next week. And the next. And I just might find myself doing even more exciting things with my time than blogging about it. Singing, volunteering, organizing, working on a foreign language...who knows! The sky's the limit!
Well maybe not the sky. I guess 4.5 hours is the actual limit, but right now that feels pretty vast to me. Look out, world! I'm coming to get you! And sit tight, G and Z; I'm heading to the car to come get you in a minute.
Why? Because for the first time in my life, both of my children are at school.
Give it up, what!!
Did I shed tears upon leaving little Z at his Kindergarten class today? Not a one. Is it because I'm heartless? Not at all. See, the deal is, the kids are only in class for 4.5 hours, 40 minutes of which is spent by me driving back and forth to the school. Furthermore, Z is only in class two mornings a week, so we still have puh-lenty of time together. (For any of you not familiar, my kids go to a school that is about 70% in-class learning and 30% homeschool. Teachers send a packet of work home at the beginning of the week and the parents guide the kids through it. We've already been doing the homeschool work for the past two weeks, which you can read about here and here.)
So what have I done with the first morning on my own?? I'll give you some hints. Not this:
 |
| They've been there for less than 24 hours, so hey. |
Or this:
 |
| Well these are already clean. |
Or this:
 |
| Would you believe me if I said we're studying jungle ecosystems in my backyard? |
 |
| This stuff has been on the floor of our guestroom for over a month; what's another day? |
But neither have I done this today (although I did eat two muffins):
 |
| Wish I knew who to credit for this photo! Thanks Internet. |
But while this morning wasn't a red-letter day in terms of what I did--or didn't--do, it IS significant that I did those things without my kids. This little introverted gal is very appreciative of the people teaching my kids this morning.
Once they get home, I'll be back "on" with homework and chores and whathaveyou, but I get to have this "free" morning again next week. And the next week. And the next. And I just might find myself doing even more exciting things with my time than blogging about it. Singing, volunteering, organizing, working on a foreign language...who knows! The sky's the limit!
Well maybe not the sky. I guess 4.5 hours is the actual limit, but right now that feels pretty vast to me. Look out, world! I'm coming to get you! And sit tight, G and Z; I'm heading to the car to come get you in a minute.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
"Mom, Homeschooling Is Hard," 15 August 2013
Hello, my name is Rachel and I've been homeschooling two kids for three days.
It's kicking my assiduity.
Last night I got the kids to bed and sank down onto the couch in a sort of comatose state. I told Jay the only thing I could move was my eyeballs. (He kindly took the remote control and turned on the TV for us.) That exhaustion took into account a two-hour afternoon nap, people.
What gives? My mom homeschooled six children from the time her oldest started Kindergarten until her youngest's graduation from high school. She did this every day for 21 years. With six kids. And no internet or video games for most of it. Jay's mom homeschooled four kids--two of whom had severe ADHD--for 10 years. I have friends who do this with multiple kids.
I only have two and I only have to do this full-time for nine days and I don't even have to make lesson plans. And I'm beat.
Speaking of multiple kids and lesson plans, let me just send a BIG shout-out to you classroom teachers who do this day-in-day-out with 20-something students at a time (or in Jay's current case, 50 students at a time; his school's master schedule is getting off to a gnarly start). What you do would frankly be horrifying for me. I salute you!
But back to my life.
In defense of my kids, I should say that they are not "being bad." They're being pretty cooperative and have even had downright enthusiastic moments! I think what really exhausts me is Brain Strain. It's quite the juggling act to sit with one kid, overseeing him trace the letter B, while the other kid is wrestling with fractions and calling me over with questions. Then one of them finishes his worksheet, and while I'm shuffling through the assignments to get him started on the next one, the other kid needs my help; so I put down the pile of worksheets to talk with him and the first kid asks, "Am I done yet?"
Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep track of how many minutes each one of them has read/been read to, check off their assignments as they're finished, make sure we all eat at a reasonable time, fit in showers and baths (mine included), and all the other normal everyday stuff. Today I had to choose between a shower and a nap. For meals, I've been throwing things together from the freezer since we haven't made it to the grocery store for a week. Most of Tuesday's laundry has been put away, but not all of it. The kitchen was clean for a bit yesterday afternoon. Our rabbit got today's breakfast at 2 p.m. I've gotten almost no exercise and am feeling fat and flabby.
Pause for a second.
If my mom were here, I'd call her right now and she'd listen with her kind "Hmm"; chuckle a bit; and gently give me some perspective. Maybe this is what she'd say.
"Well first of all, Rachel, you're not fat. But we can come back to that. Remember that you've just had a whole summer of Jay helping with the kids, so now that he's back to school and you're on your own during the day, of course you're more tired. It was always hard for me when Dad went back to work after a vacation.
"I'm not Supermom. [Yeah right.] When you kids were little, I was always exhausted. I wasn't creative with meals. I didn't grow a garden. We didn't have pets.
"And too, it sounds like you are doing a lot with the boys! Yesterday you led them through worksheets and did three science projects and went to the library and did an art project? That's a lot for one day!
"Also, remember that the teachers giving the work don't know your kids. They don't know how long something might take or how difficult it might be. Do they expect you to finish everything exactly like they assigned?"
Well no, I'd answer. They told us these first couple weeks are to get a feel for where the kids are at and then they'd adjust the homework accordingly. But the boys are actually doing fine with it; it's having them both at once that's so tricky for me!
"Well then it seems to me like you need to have some helpful systems in place to help you organize your time. Have you thought much about how you might do that?"
Not really, I'd admit. It seems like a lot of work to set that up when we're only doing this for nine days.
"Only nine days? Hmmm. Well, then you don't need to come up with a long-term routine, but it could be helpful to plan ahead a bit for each day. Even a little structure can cut down on all those little 'bumps' in your day, and bumps like that can add up. You and your kids--and Jay--are all adjusting to this new schedule, and you need to be very gentle with yourself.
"And as to feeling fat, Rachel, you aren't. Even if you did put on a few pounds during the summer, these next two weeks are not the time to set up a new exercise routine or completely change the way you eat. For the next two weeks, just do the major things your family needs--even if that means eating cereal for supper--until the four of you get into the swing of things.
"You're a great mom and a great wife, and your kids are sweet boys, and Jay sounds like he's working hard and helping a lot, and the Lord will give you the strength you need. Ask Him for wisdom and He'll give it to you. I'll be praying for you, too."
Thanks Mom. I love you.
"I sure love you too, Rachel."
I sure miss you, Mom. Thanks for being super and raising me, and helping me learn how to raise my kids, too...inside school hours and out.
It's kicking my assiduity.
Last night I got the kids to bed and sank down onto the couch in a sort of comatose state. I told Jay the only thing I could move was my eyeballs. (He kindly took the remote control and turned on the TV for us.) That exhaustion took into account a two-hour afternoon nap, people.
What gives? My mom homeschooled six children from the time her oldest started Kindergarten until her youngest's graduation from high school. She did this every day for 21 years. With six kids. And no internet or video games for most of it. Jay's mom homeschooled four kids--two of whom had severe ADHD--for 10 years. I have friends who do this with multiple kids.
I only have two and I only have to do this full-time for nine days and I don't even have to make lesson plans. And I'm beat.
Speaking of multiple kids and lesson plans, let me just send a BIG shout-out to you classroom teachers who do this day-in-day-out with 20-something students at a time (or in Jay's current case, 50 students at a time; his school's master schedule is getting off to a gnarly start). What you do would frankly be horrifying for me. I salute you!
But back to my life.
In defense of my kids, I should say that they are not "being bad." They're being pretty cooperative and have even had downright enthusiastic moments! I think what really exhausts me is Brain Strain. It's quite the juggling act to sit with one kid, overseeing him trace the letter B, while the other kid is wrestling with fractions and calling me over with questions. Then one of them finishes his worksheet, and while I'm shuffling through the assignments to get him started on the next one, the other kid needs my help; so I put down the pile of worksheets to talk with him and the first kid asks, "Am I done yet?"
Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep track of how many minutes each one of them has read/been read to, check off their assignments as they're finished, make sure we all eat at a reasonable time, fit in showers and baths (mine included), and all the other normal everyday stuff. Today I had to choose between a shower and a nap. For meals, I've been throwing things together from the freezer since we haven't made it to the grocery store for a week. Most of Tuesday's laundry has been put away, but not all of it. The kitchen was clean for a bit yesterday afternoon. Our rabbit got today's breakfast at 2 p.m. I've gotten almost no exercise and am feeling fat and flabby.
Pause for a second.
If my mom were here, I'd call her right now and she'd listen with her kind "Hmm"; chuckle a bit; and gently give me some perspective. Maybe this is what she'd say.
"Well first of all, Rachel, you're not fat. But we can come back to that. Remember that you've just had a whole summer of Jay helping with the kids, so now that he's back to school and you're on your own during the day, of course you're more tired. It was always hard for me when Dad went back to work after a vacation.
"I'm not Supermom. [Yeah right.] When you kids were little, I was always exhausted. I wasn't creative with meals. I didn't grow a garden. We didn't have pets.
"And too, it sounds like you are doing a lot with the boys! Yesterday you led them through worksheets and did three science projects and went to the library and did an art project? That's a lot for one day!
"Also, remember that the teachers giving the work don't know your kids. They don't know how long something might take or how difficult it might be. Do they expect you to finish everything exactly like they assigned?"
Well no, I'd answer. They told us these first couple weeks are to get a feel for where the kids are at and then they'd adjust the homework accordingly. But the boys are actually doing fine with it; it's having them both at once that's so tricky for me!
"Well then it seems to me like you need to have some helpful systems in place to help you organize your time. Have you thought much about how you might do that?"
Not really, I'd admit. It seems like a lot of work to set that up when we're only doing this for nine days.
"Only nine days? Hmmm. Well, then you don't need to come up with a long-term routine, but it could be helpful to plan ahead a bit for each day. Even a little structure can cut down on all those little 'bumps' in your day, and bumps like that can add up. You and your kids--and Jay--are all adjusting to this new schedule, and you need to be very gentle with yourself.
"And as to feeling fat, Rachel, you aren't. Even if you did put on a few pounds during the summer, these next two weeks are not the time to set up a new exercise routine or completely change the way you eat. For the next two weeks, just do the major things your family needs--even if that means eating cereal for supper--until the four of you get into the swing of things.
"You're a great mom and a great wife, and your kids are sweet boys, and Jay sounds like he's working hard and helping a lot, and the Lord will give you the strength you need. Ask Him for wisdom and He'll give it to you. I'll be praying for you, too."
Thanks Mom. I love you.
"I sure love you too, Rachel."
I sure miss you, Mom. Thanks for being super and raising me, and helping me learn how to raise my kids, too...inside school hours and out.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Many Hats, Few Hours, One Head, 24 July 2013
Hello Blog! I've missed you. Whatever may be said about lazy summers, this certainly hasn't been one. I suppose if I were a professional making money with my writing, I wouldn't relegate composing posts to irregular lazy moments, but that "really makes no matter," as Lady Bracknell says in The Importance of Being Earnest.
Obscure literary quotes (or movie quotes) aside, it is good to sit down and write! It's nice to be a whole paragraph into this post without having said anything of real substance yet, which is perfectly fitting for a lazy moment. I did, however, open this page with the intent of writing about something, and must just call it to mind. One moment...
Ah yes. Stay at Home Moms.
Actually, not all stay at home moms-- just me. When a neighbor recently dropped his young grandson off with me because he was late to work and the babysitter "was only about 30 minutes away," and I supervised/entertained/mediated between three little boys for the following three hours--and it wasn't the first time this had happened, or even the second or third--I realized that (1) I should stop agreeing to watch neighbors' grandsons for indeterminate amounts of time and (2) some people must see me as having a lot of extra time on my hands.
Obviously, my readers all know I don't have a lot of extra time on my hands, because if I did, there would be a lot more blog entries. But not everyone I come across is familiar with my 2-3/month posting trend, so I would like to elaborate for those people. (Nevermind that "those people" don't read my blog and won't see this post; we'll just call this scribal processing.)
In a few weeks, Z will be starting Kindergarten (!!) while G continues on into 2nd grade. When I mentioned this fact to an acquaintance earlier this summer, she said, "So what are you going to do with all your free time? Get a job?"
The irksome idea that what I do now isn't a job aside, I have to admit, I had a moment of panic. "Oh no! Is that what I'm supposed to do?? Am I suddenly going to have all this empty time on my hands that will be squandered if I 'just stay at home'?! Do I need to squeeze myself into some mind-numbing clerical position so that I can earn money instead of having 'free' time?"
In spite of Jay's insistence that I need those eight hours, I still felt guilt about not wanting to get back into the "work" force. I calmed myself a bit by remembering that once the school year starts, I'm actually only going to have 8 hours per week without kids (we do a hybrid homeschool program, and Kindergartners are only in class 9 hours/week). But thinking about the new phase I'm entering caused me to look again at the jobs (yes, plural, thank you very much) I already have.
I've written before about the many "hats" I may wear in a given day; looking back at just the last seven days, I think I can group my activities into a few broad categories. In no particular order:
Obscure literary quotes (or movie quotes) aside, it is good to sit down and write! It's nice to be a whole paragraph into this post without having said anything of real substance yet, which is perfectly fitting for a lazy moment. I did, however, open this page with the intent of writing about something, and must just call it to mind. One moment...
Ah yes. Stay at Home Moms.
Actually, not all stay at home moms-- just me. When a neighbor recently dropped his young grandson off with me because he was late to work and the babysitter "was only about 30 minutes away," and I supervised/entertained/mediated between three little boys for the following three hours--and it wasn't the first time this had happened, or even the second or third--I realized that (1) I should stop agreeing to watch neighbors' grandsons for indeterminate amounts of time and (2) some people must see me as having a lot of extra time on my hands.
Obviously, my readers all know I don't have a lot of extra time on my hands, because if I did, there would be a lot more blog entries. But not everyone I come across is familiar with my 2-3/month posting trend, so I would like to elaborate for those people. (Nevermind that "those people" don't read my blog and won't see this post; we'll just call this scribal processing.)
In a few weeks, Z will be starting Kindergarten (!!) while G continues on into 2nd grade. When I mentioned this fact to an acquaintance earlier this summer, she said, "So what are you going to do with all your free time? Get a job?"
The irksome idea that what I do now isn't a job aside, I have to admit, I had a moment of panic. "Oh no! Is that what I'm supposed to do?? Am I suddenly going to have all this empty time on my hands that will be squandered if I 'just stay at home'?! Do I need to squeeze myself into some mind-numbing clerical position so that I can earn money instead of having 'free' time?"
In spite of Jay's insistence that I need those eight hours, I still felt guilt about not wanting to get back into the "work" force. I calmed myself a bit by remembering that once the school year starts, I'm actually only going to have 8 hours per week without kids (we do a hybrid homeschool program, and Kindergartners are only in class 9 hours/week). But thinking about the new phase I'm entering caused me to look again at the jobs (yes, plural, thank you very much) I already have.
I've written before about the many "hats" I may wear in a given day; looking back at just the last seven days, I think I can group my activities into a few broad categories. In no particular order:
- wife
- mother
- multi-organization volunteer
- relative (sister, in-law, auntie, etc)
- friend
- informal grief consultant (which often overlaps with "relative" and "friend")
- home and garden caretaker
- motherless daughter
During the past week, I have spent every minute being/doing at least one of these categories. Now, I know that I'm a mother every minute, but--moms of infants and toddlers have hope--there are times of the day I'm not actively doing something with my kids. Believe it or not, the two boys do have moments of entertaining each other without eyes-on supervision from me, at least for part of each day, which is wonderful. Jay also does a fantastic job of doing things with the kids sans Mommy. Naturally, during those times I put my feet up, put in earplugs, turn off my phone, and eat chocolate.
NOT.
Although I think my life would be better if I did that combination of things a little more. Huh. Let's put a pin in that.
No, the moments that active mom duty is on hold--and even quite a bit of the time it's not on hold--are moments filled with one or more of the other categories. I'd like to go over some of the things I did this past week, and "those people" who think I have lots of extra time might understand my reality a bit better.
Since all of my readers are above-average intelligent (they have to be, to read this; after all, I quote Oscar Wilde), I'll dispense with delineating every category each activity belongs to. They often overlap, anyway.
Last Wednesday, Jay gave me the day off from active mommy-ing. I filled the day with birthday shopping for Z, and lunch and dinner out, catching up with two different friends. Arriving home refreshed at 8 p.m., ready to have a quiet evening with Jay in front of the TV, we unexpectedly got an urgent request from a friend whose grandmother was in the hospital. The next 4-5 hours were spent in caffeinated "friend" and "informal grief counselor" modes as I transported our friend from another city to our house for the night.
Thursday was mostly spent in that same mode, driving our friend to transport her out-of-town relatives to the ICU, where I stayed with them until the grandmother passed away Thursday evening. (Thankfully, Jay thought to remind me to get a sub for my volunteer duties at my Thursday Al-Anon meeting, so I was able to coordinate that in time.) As much as I tried not to slip into the "motherless daughter" category, the traumatic memories from my time in the ICU with my mom took their toll.
I spent Friday working off physical and emotional exhaustion. In the morning, I got a message from another friend whose dad was in surgery after a heart attack, but prayer doesn't take too much physical energy, so I was happy to support her in that way. I also prayed over my daily email update from a friend whose 1 yr-old has stage 4 neuroblastoma. Those updates aren't fun to read. :-(
Perhaps surprisingly, by Friday evening I had recovered a bit, so I cleaned a bathroom and the living room floor, picked some tomatoes, and had a wonderful visit with a local friend who came over after the kids were in bed. We chit-chatted over a wide variety of subjects while experimenting with a new French macaron recipe in my kitchen.
At about midnight, seconds away from being fully asleep, I suddenly realized I'd forgotten to wrap Z's birthday breakfast gift. Enter mother mode again. I get up.
Saturday morning officially began awfully early, because Z was so excited to start his 5th birthday! Who wouldn't be? The morning continued with making a grocery list for a 12-person dinner, packing the boys off to the store with a long shopping list.
The afternoon was filled with birthday/dinner prep (along with stolen bits of auntie time with visiting Baby K), and I spent the evening hostessing. Incidentally, that may be the last 12-person birthday dinner I make. There was too much work and not enough fun. Putting a pin in that, too.
The guests were gone and excited boys in bed by 8 p.m., and my aching, grumpy body had just sunk into the couch when Jay said, "So I guess we should start planning tomorrow's Sunday School lesson." Scream! He reminded me that this Sunday was our turn to lead the 3s-5s class.
Finding me taciturn (that's a nice word for "surly," right?), Jay did as much planning on his own as he could, leaving a few bits for me to look over before church in the morning.
Sunday morning started well, perhaps in part because I donned an adorable outfit, and even though we scrapped our Sunday School lesson because only two kids showed up to class (one of whom was Z), I was content with being in volunteer mode.
But in the parking lot, headed toward lunch, "motherless daughter" showed up out of nowhere and smacked me across the face. A friend at church asked me if I knew how to can peaches. I'll leave the peach-canning back-story for another time; suffice it to say that it triggered a lot of happy memories of growing up with my mom, and a lot of weepy feelings that I can't call her and talk about it.
Those feelings stayed through Monday morning, thankfully relieved a bit by two tearfully-cathartic phone conversations with sisters. Monday was also Jay's first day back at work, so all three of us were missing him after a summer-full of Daddy time. "Mother" mode was definitely back in full swing, but we made the best of it and had a nice day.
Tuesday started with a playdate with another young mom who is motherless, and while our kids poured sand over each other, the two of us shared struggles and encouragement with each other. In the afternoon, I found some new fresh tomato recipes and put a lovely dinner on the table (while texting back and forth with my sis-in-law), which felt great! After putting the kids to bed, I had a conversation with yet another sister, focusing mainly on her boyfriend, whom I haven't yet been able to meet. It was delightful to hear her gush on about this budding relationship...although I have to admit I felt a bit old and matronly.
Today we got out of town for a zoo visit with another family, and I--mostly--enjoyed cooking another tomato-centered dinner this evening. The four of us definitely enjoyed eating it, at any rate!
Looking over this rather lengthy narrative, there are two main things that stand out to me:
- I have a lot of friends and sisters.
- I have a jam-packed life.
Eight non-mom-mode hours per week might just allow my life to be a little more paced out. Or maybe other unexpected events will challenge my time in new ways. Or maybe I'll get to have fewer multi- and more single-tasked times.
Or maybe, just maybe, I'll start the school year by putting my feet up, turning off my phone, and eating chocolate...at least for the first few hours.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)