Magnolias

Magnolias

Friday, March 29, 2013

Rachel's First Birthday, 29 March 2013

Today has been a "special" day in the sense that it has involved record amounts of whining and bossiness.  I was the one being bossed and whined at, of course.  It's a maddening sensation somewhere between rage, tears, and laughter when your six-year-old clearly knows more about everything than you do and why won't you hurry up and do it his way?!  "Now, Mommy!!" and a vortex-magnitude eye-roll.  (I'm sorry, Mom and Dad, for ever being six years old.  I hope I made up for it at 7.)

And when the four-year-old is in tears about everything, you almost hope he has a fever of 101.4, just to explain his depths of despondency.  (I did take his temperature and it was a mundane 96.7.  Booooring.)

My temporary solution is to put Z down for his nap and G for his computer time a whole hour early, while I hide in my room and recover my cool and morale.  It's gonna be a looong afternoon once naptime's over, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Now that I've vented about my current motherhood woes, I'd like to tell you about the truly *special* day that was yesterday.  You see, yesterday was my birthday.

Not my "belly button birthday," as some refer to it, but my program birthday: I have now been a member of Al-Anon for one year.

Some of you may be familiar with Al-Anon, but for those of you who are not, it's a 12-step sister program to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), designed to help family and friends of alcoholics and addicts recover from their own side of the disease.  And believe me, I am diseased.

Last January, I realized that a close friend's drinking had spiraled out of control, and as I dealt with my more visible issues of grief over my mother-in-law's recent death, my internal quality of life was rapidly spiraling downhill too.  I tried to manage, manipulate, bargain, sacrifice, appease my alcoholic friend--anything that seemed like it might make her destructive drinking stop.  All that my efforts did, however, was keep me in a state of exhaustion, anger, and fear.  She was obsessed with alcohol and I was obsessed with her.

My wonderful therapist (who I'd been seeing since after my mom died) suggested I try out Al-Anon.  I politely smiled at the suggestion and filed it away in my "maybe someday" list, but after another month or so of frustration, I decided I had nothing to lose and found a group meeting near my home.

My life changed at that meeting in March last year.  Sitting around the table was a handful of very different people.  Some were spouses of drug addicts, some had alcoholic children, some had grown up in an alcoholic household.  And yet they all talked about how desperately they wanted to control their lives and environments...how they frequently lost sight of their own needs as they tried to care for others...how they beat themselves up for their failures and inadequacies...how they wanted to just "fix" the alcoholic...how they suspected deep down that the drinking was their own fault...how they were angry, scared, and controlling--just like me.

But I saw and heard something else at that meeting.  Laughter.  Smiles.  Hope.  And the Incredible yet Mysterious word, "Serenity."

Like most of the newcomers that have joined our weekly meetings since, I asked the famous question of the group: "What do I do to help her??"  My question was met with kind smiles and a couple personal stories of how caring for their own needs had changed members' lives, but no direct answers.  At the end of the meeting, they gave me some brochures, some hugs, and the earnest encouragement to "Keep coming back."

Back at home, I read through the brochures and cried when I read, "You didn't cause alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."  But I want to fix it!!!  Yet the words about "changed attitudes" and "discovering our self-worth"  and "easing our emotional burdens" were intriguing enough to bring me back to a second meeting.  And a third.  And after 12 months of attending meetings almost every week and beginning study of the 12 steps, I can say today that I am a different person than I was a year ago.

Al-Anon is a spiritual program, but not religious.  "God" is one name I have for my Higher Power.
I learned the alcoholic is not my problem.
She has to want to change.  She has to get herself into--and out of--her own crises.  She has to come to grips with the reality of her own situation...I can't do that for her.  Knowing this reality lifted a huge burden from my heart!

I learned I can have happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
Her sobriety does not equal my serenity.  She can make her own choices and I can make mine.  Today I can choose to look for the positive things around me--my family, the sunshine, a song--rather than succumbing to self-pity or contempt.

I learned I am precious, loved, and cared for.
Me!  I'm worth something!  A lot, in fact!  My Higher Power, my loving God, has good plans for me and a big picture I can trust, even if I can't quite see it all.  Taking care of myself is the right thing to do, not a thing to get to "if I have time left over."

I learned my "coping" habits color my whole life.
Getting angry with myself or others when something isn't done "the right way"; constantly criticizing myself; trying to directly or passively control someone else's choices; avoiding or appeasing conflict; working to please other people at the cost of being genuine--these are all things I have to work through every day.  It is sobering (no pun intended) to look at how much of my life has been spent in Angst and "shoulds."  Spent basically being afraid to accept myself or others for who we are.  Ouch.

I learned I can heal.
My Al-Anon friends have noticed.  My alcoholic has noticed.  My family has noticed.  I have noticed that my heart is lighter.  It's easier for me to be thankful.  I'm less afraid of conflict.  I'm more confident to make my own choices.  I have more self-respect.  I succumb to fears and anxieties less often.  I'm less envious of other people's lives.  I'm more hopeful.  I have feelings of delight when I think about God, rather than feelings of suspicion.  I'm more realistic about my shortcomings and am actually excited about working on them.


So now you know something I've been working on basically every day the whole time I've been writing this blog.  Betcha had no idea!  Kinda makes you think, right?

How many of your friends struggle with a hidden addiction or loved one's addiction?  How many others are living like I was, going out of my mind and losing myself, unaware that courage, strength, and hope can be real?  How many others lost parts of themselves as children, being parents to their parents but never learning to parent the child within themselves?  How many others take responsibility for their grown children's destructive habits, unable to understand how a loving home didn't prevent addiction?

And if this post speaks to you in a very personal way, let me ask you this last question:  How long are you going to wait to heal?

My name is Rachel, and I'm grateful for Al-Anon.  I'm going to keep coming back.

P.S. If you are wondering why I haven't said anything about my friend's recovery, you may have missed the point of this post.  Whether she's in recovery or not is irrelevant to my healing journey.  But I do pray for her healing.  A whole and serene life is too wonderful to miss.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Daddy Day, 21 March 2013

Today I've been in bed for basically the whole day.  Why have I been in bed?  Because I have an exhausting cold.

Wait a minute, scratch that.

The reason I have wanted to be in bed is because of the cold.  The reason I have been in bed is because Jay is on spring break and took over the kids for the whole day.

When I say "took over," I don't mean put them on a string of movies and video games (although let me be the first to say there can be a time for that).  Fully apart from my cold, he has actively been planning this "Daddy Day" for the last couple weeks.

ALERT: If you're already tired of hearing me talk about Jay from these first few paragraphs, quit reading here.  Or, you could keep reading and find out what this has to do with Daddy Day:


Any guesses?  Read on...

Stage One of Daddy Day was for Jay to get up with the kids and feed them a granola breakfast.  Then he did schoolwork with G (who stayed home today due to some stomach trouble last night) while Z played around the house.

Stage Two involved guiding the kids through cleaning up clutter while Jay set up a tent in the living room, and ended with him feeding them lunch, but I actually am not sure what else happened during that time because I was sleeping from 10:45 a.m. to 1:00 p.m.  When I woke up, Jay was just getting the boys ready for Stage Three.


Pretty sure a lot of time was spent in here this morning.

He took them to his gym where there is a kids' care center, and Jay did his own stuff while the kids ran around in the outdoor play area.  This got the boys outside and a gave them time to interact with others.  (Don't freak out--G's stomach trouble was apparently a one-time thing and he was feeling completely normal by the later part of the morning.)

Stage Four began around 4:00 p.m. when the three of them got home.  I had dragged myself out of bed for a pre-scheduled dr. appointment during this time, so I missed the putting away shoes and washing hands and getting a snack transition.  After all that transition stuff, Jay participated with the kids in their afternoon video time, coaching G on strategies and making sure Z got to choose a game too.

When I got home, the kids were ready for dinner, which I helped with a little.  But they supped on simple things like strawberries and cream cheese on toast, because Stage Five of Daddy Day leads directly to Stage Six, which is the most exciting of all.

Stage Five is an early bedtime for the boys, sleeping in the living room tent fully clothed with socks, because they'll need their clothes a few hours later.  Meanwhile, Jay is preparing a feast for two.  Over the past week, he's been collecting little special-for-us foods at grocery stores: black-wrapped extra-sharp white cheddar cheese, artichoke dip and pita crackers, mini-quiches, a berry tart, sparkling juice.  While the kids sleep in the tent, he and I will cozy up in our bedroom with a movie and our treats.


Oooooh, you know it, baby.

Then the Grand Finale of Daddy Day, Stage Six!  Jay is going to get up at 1 a.m., wake the boys, and take them to a mid-night meal at a 24-hour diner, just because.

What?!  How cool of a daddy thing to do is that?!  I don't even care if the kids are grumpy tomorrow.  They get to go somewhere that would be a treat even during daylight hours.  And to be asleep and then wake up in the middle of the night and go somewhere just with your daddy...WOW.



Seriously, that is almost exciting enough for me to want to join in.  Buuuut, I'm thinking I'll let Jay let me stay in bed.  I've still got another 13 hours of resting I get to do...no socks and shoes necessary!

Monday, March 11, 2013

Doin' Good, 10 March 2013

Today before church, at three separate moments, people asked how I was doing and I answered cheerfully, "Good!"  They looked visibly surprised, tilting their heads slightly and raising their eyebrows.  Ha.  It seems people have gotten used to me answering "Okay," or "Today's a hard day," or "That's a complicated question."  And for good reason!

But today I really am doin' good (or "doing well," for those of you who appreciate non-colloquially-correct grammar).  The sun is shining, my wedding-to-funeral ratio for this calendar year is 2-1, and I've spent some wonderful time this week out in nature.

The first nature trek was another snow day, but this time my dad joined us.  When I was young, my family would do at least one snow day every winter, and my dad's the one who taught us how to dress and play to avoid cold, wet, and misery.  This past Friday was the first time I'd been to the snow with my dad for about a decade, and it was my kids' very first time going with him!

We had a blast playing, and my heart filled up with happyjuice seeing the snow-laden foliage, hearing the patter of falling snow off trees, and feeling the soft scrunch of drifts under my boots.

Plus, my kids are adorable in snow hats.  (So is my dad, in his own manly way.)


Hey, how come I don't get to ride?


Will G fly off the edge of the cliff?  No, Grandpa will catch him.  And hit him with a giant snowball at the same time.
The drive itself to and from the mountains was absolutely gorgeous, now that the grasses are green and orchards are beginning to bloom.  We got home at around 4 in the afternoon, long enough for me to throw dinner together, throw snow clothes in the laundry, and let Grandpa and the kids recover from the exertion of throwing snowballs.  My dad drove back to his house after dinner, and I'm pretty sure he slept loooong and hard that night.

The next day, Saturday, Jay and the kids and I had a leisurely morning capped off by Jay taking the boys out to do lunch and some errands, leaving me--drum roll please--all alone!!!

I considered pulling weeds, shoe shopping, writing letters, and sleeping, but in the end decided on taking a drive into the hills by myself and having a prayer/nature walk.  I checked on a map some side-roads I'd noticed on our way to the snow, and discovered there was an intriguing little road in the hills leading to a reservoir.

A sack lunch went into my backpack, an uplifting playlist came out of my iPod, and I was off.  
Just beginning the rise up from the valley, a line of cows graze along creek bluffs.

The stream and the glowing grass both sparkle.

After a glorious hour of driving (the last 5 miles of which were on a barely-paved one-lane road), I pulled off the road and walked the rest of the way to the reservoir, snapping pictures and praying as I went.  Perhaps beauty in nature doesn't affect everyone this way, but my heart feels so much closer to God, so much more receptive to the reality of His love and care, when I am surrounded by beautiful things He's created.


A barely-paved road of adventure...
...shared only by this group of cyclists and the rare SUV.  The valley floor is visible at the horizon.
This outcropping of rocks near my parking spot made a perfect high point for finding cell signal.

They were fun to climb!
View of the road from the top of the outcropping.
Birds must love having a roof like this!
When I pulled off the road, I actually didn't know how far it was to the reservoir; I hadn't looked that closely at the map.  But I quit driving because my eye was on the gas tank indicator, and I didn't feel like adding the "adventure" of running out of gas to my day.  So I decided to walk for as long as I wanted to, enjoying the views around me without being preoccupied by any particular destination.


A trickle of a stream runs through the bottom of this little gorge.

The micro-landscapes are amazing too!  These lichens and mosses are growing on a huge granite boulder.



Wild blackberries swallow everything in their path.

A gate: To keep cows inside or cyclists out?
After about 30 minutes of walking and taking pictures, a pickup hauling a dripping boat drove passed me, suggesting to me that I was not far from the reservoir.  Sure enough, ten more minutes of walking brought me suddenly into wide-open, windy spaces, with the lake's little white-capped waves lapping at the shore.



I'm guessing the brownish color is due to a stirring-up by recent storms.


A great view for cleaning fish, if you're into that kind of thing!
Even though the walk back was a return by the same road, the scenery looked a little different going the other direction.  And it took my breath away to find gaps in the trees that revealed valley views I'd had my back to before.


Can you make out that very faint, thin blue line at the top of the valley's green horizon? Those are the hills all the way on the other side of the valley.  Thrilling!
It's been fun to share these photographs from my adventure with you!  I'm sure those of you who are still locked in snowscapes will appreciate the greens; and maybe this can be a reminder for the rest of us to get outside and enjoy them.  :-)