GUILTY, 30 November 2012

For those of you in suspense, this is a quick note to say that we did get a verdict on Jay's brother yesterday: Guilty of murder in the second degree for stabbing his mom to death ten times with a kitchen knife.

As Jay put it, we are relieved that guilt was found, yet disappointed that it wasn't found in the first degree.  However, sentencing is very similar for both ("15-25 years to life" in prison), so it doesn't make that much of a difference.

Sentencing will not happen until the sanity phase of the trial is completed.  The defense takes the floor now and tries to prove that he was insane (unaware of his actions) at the time of the crime.  Good luck with that.  But you know what?  If he's found to have been insane, then he goes to a state mental hospital for probably the rest of his life...and an actually-sane person who faked his way through, living in a facility with actually-insane people--sounds like a nightmare to me.  I'd probably rather choose prison.

At any rate, I have a lot to say about all of this...I just don't know what it is yet.  Jay and I get to take off to our 1930-Something hotel this weekend and I can't wait to relax and start figuring out how I feel.  Deeeep sigh.

We feel the love...thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Waiting Some More, 28 November 2012

Today was another day of waiting; of trying to stay busy and not watch the clock; of feeling my heart pound every time the phone rang.

See, here's the thing.  However unlikely it may be that the jury comes back with a "not guilty" verdict, there's always a chance that they could.  (Juries have the power to make their own decision regardless of what anyone else involved thinks about the case.)  And that tiny little chance sits like a heavy, ice-cold pebble somewhere deep inside my heart.  For if my brother-in-law is found not-guilty and is released, our family will all fear for our lives.

Now then: As Jay pointed out, it would take all twelve members totally agreed upon innocence for that to happen, and it's highly unlikely.  But the cold rock in my chest sits there, nonetheless, and I just want it to be over already.

Like, now.

Jury's Still Out, 21 November 2012

Today, twelve o'clock noon came and went without a verdict being delivered.  So, we take a deep breath, try to shake off the stressful suspense, and go on with our week while we await continued deliberations next week (they start up again on 27 Nov).

For the record, I would just like to say that I am tired of going through this hard trial--in both its figurative and literal meanings.

In other news, my 21-pound (9.5 kg) turkey fits in my roasting pan!  And it might actually be completely thawed by 6:30 tomorrow morning when it goes into the oven.

As you can see, a tight squeeze.  Yes, I know it's upside-down; I'll flip it over tomorrow.

And now I am going to sit here and think about things I am very, very thankful for, specifically regarding my Jay.  If by this point in the season you have tired of reading other people's Thankful Lists--or if you can't handle reading me rave about my sweetie pie--close this window and write your own during the time you would have spent reading the rest of this post.  :-D

The following list is in no particular order (and I begin with the caveat that I am not listing Jay's many X-rated qualities, although I do happen to be highly thankful for those).

1) Jay loves to grocery shop.  Loves.  He enjoys it so much that he is willing to brave the wilds of Thanksgiving Eve crowds to pick up a couple loaves of bread...with the kids in tow!  He doesn't blindly grab things off the list, either; he compares prices from brand to brand and season to season, and if a new item catches his attention, he'll carefully assess whether it looks like a helpful deal or not.

This is the kind of jungle Jay's braving at this very moment.

2) Jay does dishes cheerfully.  I'm not saying he enjoys doing them (in fact, I know he doesn't), but he uncomplainingly returns day-by-day to the unending stream of crusty cookware.

3) Jay is taking care of his health.  He's on this crazy low-carb diet thing that I could never handle, but he is continually researching strategies for getting the best nutrition he can.  And mm-mm, he looks gooood (to state it in a family-friendly way).

4) Jay works at his job day-in and day-out, even though it's by-far not the most rewarding thing he can imagine doing.  But he doesn't just show up to work and scrape by--he looks for ways to improve and invest in what he's doing.  When the paycheck shows up each month, he sees it as equally belonging to our whole family, and doesn't lay on an iota of guilt or resentment that I do not bring home a salary.

5) Speaking of jobs, Jay is extremely affirming of my "domestic engineering" career as a homemaker.  When I decorate or cook or vacuum or garden or pay bills or brush the kids' teeth, he sees it as being highly valuable and worthwhile...and also views it as being hard work!

An example of the decorator aspect of my homemaking career, although I cannot take credit for placement of the rubber snake.

6) That said, Jay doesn't simply notice undone household chores and think, "That's Rachel's job."  He's started doing his own laundry, actually; and when I recently told him I was feeling guilty that I wasn't being vigilant about keeping his hamper empty, he said, "Well, they're my clothes!  I figure, if my hamper's full, I should wash them!"  And if that makes me all aflutter, you can only imagine what I felt today when he pulled a 7).

7) Jay will sometimes inquire about what's on my to-do list (or he'll take a guess), and then he'll pick my biggest, most stressful item, and do it for me when I'm not looking!  Today is a case in point.  Since I'm hosting Thanksgiving at our house tomorrow, I wanted to get our wide, tiled kitchen/dining room floor scrubbed.  But I was waiting until I had done most of today's baking to minimize re-dirtying it.  Jay saw "floor" written on my list and casually asked, "What's that mean?  It needs to be swept, or mopped, or what?"  "Well," I sighed with resignation, "actually it's a hands-and-knees scrubbing job.  I'll do it after my nap."  At which point, I unsuspectingly went off to take said nap.  When I got up 90 minutes later, the house smelled lemony and I discovered a sweaty Jay standing in the middle of a cleared-off kitchen floor, fans blowing all around.  "You...didn't...!" I stammered, and he lightly broke in, "Oh yeah, I scrubbed the floor on my hands and knees with tile cleaner while you were napping.  It's done.  Seriously though, you're surprised?"

True.  Love.  Right.  There.

Take that, Brad Pitt, Sean Connery, and Hugh Jackman!  This is the sexiest man alive right here.

8) You know that stereotypical "guys are bad listeners" idea?  Not Jay.  In fact, that's the second thing I liked about him after meeting him.  Jay listens to whatever I have on my mind or heart and really engages with me about it.

9) And that stereotypical thing about "guys don't express their feelings"?  Hah!  I am rarely at a loss to know how Jay feels about something, which enables us to communicate about it, and I'm not left to guess and hope his needs are being met.  Jay doesn't just hope other people or life automatically come in and take care of his needs, though.  If he needs to be alone, he lets me know and we work out ways for that to happen.  If he could use a late night playing games with friends, he lets me know we need to prioritize that.  He says "no" to things that he knows will overly-exhaust or pointlessly drain him, but is willing to say "yes" to challenges that could strengthen him for the better.

10) Jay loves his extended family--and mine.  With all of the trials (literal and figurative) our two families have been through over the past couple years, Jay has lovingly and patiently been a listener and counselor to his family, and has picked up slack for me when I've needed to be those things for my family.

I could go on.  I haven't even touched on what a wonderful daddy he is to our boys or how gifted he is musically or how dedicated his is to following the Lord.  But I think I'd better stop here because Jay just got back from the store and let me know it would help if I could get the kids ready for bed while he puts away groceries.

I rest my case.

Handing It Over to the Jury--Part One, 19 November 2012

Raise your hand if you've ever had a family member put into the hands of a jury before.

Okay, to those of you who raised your hands: How did you feel the night before?  Were you sick to your stomach?  Did your head ache?  Was your whole body so tired that you didn't want to move?  Did you simultaneously want to sit still, work on tasks in a frenzy, be by yourself, be with people, think about something--anything--beside the trial, and want to talk about it with someone?  Did you need to look at your driver's license to remember what your home address was when you were placing an order at a store?

Maybe that's just me.

I'm telling you, the intensity of this emotion is physical.  Tomorrow, barring any catastrophes, the two attorneys will give their closing arguments, the judge will give his instructions to the jurors, and the jury will disappear into a back room to discuss what they have been listening to and observing over the last two weeks.  Then at some later point, they will emerge and render their verdict.

There are three possible verdicts the jury is allowed to deliver in this case:

1) Not guilty

2) Guilty as charged of first degree (premeditated) murder

3) Guilty of second degree (crime of passion) murder

Without giving specifics, the jury would have to be full of numskulls (or be run by the mob) to render a "not-guilty" verdict, given the evidence they've received.  And as to first degree versus second...we will have to wait and see.  The defense pulled a really dirty stunt last week by asking to call an additional witness as a bargaining move, but their bluff was called and it looks like the prosecution has the more convincing argument at this point.

My thoughts right now are so weird.  Primarily, I want TRUTH to win.  But if what my family and I see as the truth does prevail, one of our family members will be in prison for the rest of his life.  On the one hand, the idea of never having to deal with his lies and machinations is so overwhelmingly relieving that I have almost no other feelings; yet, somewhere deep inside, I grieve that this young man, our brother, would be lost to the free world forever.  But in a time shorter than it takes to type that last sentence, I am right back to relief at the idea of being safe from him forever, and am truly horrified at any other scenario.

Yesterday I spent 20 minutes on my knees praying for God's will to be done--praying for His justice to prevail.  Heh, here's a crazy thing: By contrast to the accused in this trial, I look like a pretty darn upstanding person; but compared with a perfectly loving, perfectly true, perfectly just God, I haven't done diddlysquat of good.  And yet...He listens to me.  He hears my prayer and holds me in His arms and says, "I love you, little one.  And I've got this."

Even so, knowing that doesn't make the headache and queasiness go away.  Nor will hearing a jury proclaim guilt over my brother-in-law make the hurt and pain go away.  But it will make me feel a whole lot safer and so very relieved at not feeling jerked around by his lies anymore.  Truth for the win!

How See's Candies Made Me Cry, 16 November 2012

Today is the only day I made an appearance in court this week.  It seemed best to me not to ride the roller coaster of hearing defense witnesses examined and cross-examined, and I really needed to catch up on dishes, laundry, and tickles with the kids (not to mention catching up on naps).

When I gave an outline of the trial in my last post, I rather hopefully stated that closing arguments as to guilt would be given today and that the jury would be able to start deliberations.  As sometimes happens, the defense was allowed to add a last-minute witness who is not available to testify until Tuesday the 20th, so today was a short day of testimony in court.  Hopefully, Tuesday will be the day for closing arguments, and maybe the jury can even come back with a verdict before holiday time at the end of next week ("Thanksgiving," for any readers not familiar with our autumn holiday tradition; it involves much eating).

So other than this morning, today was a fairly regular day.  I did homework with G, ate leftovers for lunch with the kids, and finally got the pile of clean clothes off the living room floor and into dressers.

Jay's dad--who's been in court all week long, bless his heart--needed some grandson therapy and wanted to give us a little break, so he took the boys before dinnnertime to stay at his house overnight.  Jay and I promptly kicked up our heels and went on a hot, steamy date!  Well...we thought about going on a hot, steamy date, but we ended up meeting at a greasy spoon restaurant between running separate errands.  The average age of the restaurant's clientele was about 125 years old, and the decaf coffee tasted like battery acid, but I got pancakes and Jay got buffalo wings and we could still sneak some kisses behind the menu, so it's all good.  (Besides, 125-year-olds are so adorable.)

From there, Jay headed out to guys' night, but I felt restless.  I didn't want to sit at home by myself, but I didn't want to sit and have a conversation with anyone, either.  Then I hit upon the perfect middle ground: the mall!  There I could be surrounded by people but wouldn't have to talk with anyone.  Perfect!

While at the mall, I detoured into a See's Candies store, because sampling a free chocolate seemed highly appropriate for my evening.  (You've forgotten by now that I had pancakes for dinner, right?  Good.)  While the lady uniformed in white and black behind the counter pulled out a maple bon bon for me, I broke out of my introverted mold momentarily and mentioned wistfully that See's always reminds me of my mom.  "Oh, did she used to work here?" the lady asked casually.  "No," I replied, "she just loved this chocolate."  The lady's face softened and she asked, "Is she still with us?"

My friendly smile quivered a little when I said she wasn't.  "Mine isn't either," she revealed gently, and asked if the bon bon was my mom's favorite.  When I said that actually, the milk chocolate-covered cherry was, she snatched up another candy wrapper and said briskly, "Well, I think you need one of those too, then.  You eat it, and you look upward, and you say, 'This is for you, Mama.'  You make that your new tradition.  You eat that cherry candy and say, 'This is for you.'"

Today may be the only day in my life that being handed a bag of chocolate made me cry, and it is very probably the only time that I'll get a hug from a See's Candies employee.  Then again, it may not be, because she told me to come into the store anytime I wanted to eat a candy for my mom, and she'd get it for me.  :-)

Personally, I'd rather go with dark chocolate, but this was Mom's fav.  She had a whole strategy of just the right way to take a bite and slurp out some of the syrup without dripping any of it on herself.

And this is what is so amazing about an unexpected life.  This morning in court I was feet away from a family member who has sided with the evils of the world, and this evening I was embraced by a complete stranger who is seeking out the joys.

I say "a complete stranger," but the See's lady isn't really a stranger at all.  She is a sister in grief--and who knows?  Perhaps the tradition she suggested I make will stick, and I'll continue going back for the cherries...and the hugs.

Court's In Session, 10 November 2012

Today I woke up around 7:30 a.m. after eight hours of sleep; was awake for three hours or so; and went back to bed, sleeping for another three hours.

When people ask how I'm doing after being in court all week, my standard response is, "Very, very tired."  People all react differently to intense emotional situations.  Some cry, some exercise hard, some need to be surrounded by friends, some need to hide by themselves, some get indigestion, some eat too much, some eat too little, and so-on.  I've experienced every one of those responses at one time or another, but my main reaction is physical fatigue.  I told my sister Claire this afternoon (after my nap) that I feel physically like I'm recovering from the flu, my muscles all weak and a little shaky.

Although I use pseudonyms and conceal specific geographic locations in this blog, I hesitate to convey specifics about the trial while it is going on, on the chance that some reader might somehow be connected to a juror or a witness and put two and two together.  The public defender (aka the defense attorney) already tried calling for a mistrial last week--denied, thankfully--so I don't want to mess with a touchy situation.  I can give details after it's all over.

Maybe sitting in the courtroom would be slightly less exhausting if it were as beautiful as this

However, I can tell you a few general things and some things about myself.

The trial will probably last until the end of December, taking into account time for jury deliberation, Thanksgiving, and a week off at the beginning of December.  There will actually be two separate periods of jury deliberation.  Here's the layout:

Week 1: The People (aka the Prosecution aka the District Attorney) present their case as to the defendant's (aka Jay's brother) guilt and premeditation.  This is the week I just attended, and in which Jay and his other two siblings testified.

Week 2 (this coming week): The Defense presents their side of the story Wednesday through Friday, speckled with testimony from rebuttal witnesses from the People.  Friday afternoon, both sides present closing arguments and the jury begins deliberations.

Week 3: The jury continues deliberations and hopefully returns a verdict.  They will be deciding on guilt/innocence and degree.

Weeks 4 and following: If the jury returns with a "guilty" verdict, everyone reconvenes (same jury) and the Defense presents their case as to the defendant's insanity at the time of the crime.  The the People counter with their witnesses, testifying to the defendant's sanity.  (As a quick aside, legal "insanity" is not the same as mental illness; it means the perpetrator was incapable of knowing what he was doing at the time.)  Then they give closing arguments again, the jury deliberates and returns a verdict of sane/insane, and everyone goes home.  Then, depending on the verdict of course, in January or February the judge will decide on sentencing.

It all sounds so dry when I type it out like this, but every minute in that courtroom is packed with electric tension.  "What is the jury thinking about?  Why is the defendant making that facial expression?  Will the witness speak clearly or break down sobbing?  Will the judge sustain or overrule this objection?  Will this evidence be compelling or be ruled irrelevant?  Are the people on the jury paying attention or just interested in getting through the process as quickly as possible?  How would things be different if this had all never happened?  Did this all really happen?"

And of course, it did all really happen, although writing about it somehow makes it feel a little less real.  I guess that's good for now, because there's absolutely nothing I can do to make the case go one way or another, nothing I can do to change the circumstances, and nothing I can do to make it all hurry up and go away.

I can, however, eat chocolate and take naps!  And go for walks and cuddle with my kids and talk with friends about my feelings and cozy up on the couch with Jay to watch movies.  And more importantly, continue to pray for peace and healing, because that's what we all really need  most anyway.

P.S. I am not attending court next week to listen to the Defense's witnesses.  Nothing about doing that feels healthy or productive to me.  So I'll have a normal week at home.  Well, as normal as can be expected...which isn't really saying anything at all!

Murder Trial Begins Tomorrow, 05 November 2012

Tomorrow is known as Voting Day for 99.99999999% of our country's population, but to my family, tomorrow has been named Trial Day.

It has been one year and a week since Jay's mom was killed in her home.  The only suspect there has ever been is Jay's youngest brother, who has been incarcerated for this whole time.  I have only seen the defendant once since the incident: he was shackled and dressed in orange, and I saw him across the courtroom during a preliminary hearing.  Tomorrow, he will be dressed in a suit, but he will still be sitting across the courtroom from me, next to his lawyer, whose job is to convince twelve total strangers that he is 1) innocent of the crime and 2) if he's not innocent of the crime, he was insane and shouldn't be held responsible.

I've never seen a trial before.  I've never sat on a jury; and to be honest, most of what I know about these things comes from Hollywood (a real reliable source right there).  But tomorrow, I will watch as Jay's other brother and sister are questioned and cross-examined on the stand about the last words they had with their mom and what they did and saw, and the next day I will hear Jay asked about the same.  There will be police officers, EMTs, and DNA specialists interviewed.  Through testimonies, the district attorney will be piecing together a picture for the jury of what happened, and the public defender will be doing her best to rip it apart.

My mother-in-law's last hours, minutes, and seconds will be discussed in agonizing detail.  And twelve people who are stuck on this case (witting or unwitting though they may be) for the next 6-8 weeks have to listen to it all.

Fortunately for me, I can listen to as much or as little of it as I want.  I've decided to make plans to attend every day this week, accompanied by a relay of dear friends, while other friends and family stay at home with my boys.  But if I want to, I can leave after the first 10 minutes of the first day and never go back.

So how do I feel about all of this?  Nervous.  The kind of sad that's a physical, dull ache behind the frontal lobe.  Braced.  A little queasy.  Preoccupied.  And so very, very, very sad.

I find myself still asking the question, “Why did this happen????  What good can possibly come out of this??  How does this tragedy fulfill God's greater purpose for the world?”  Honestly, I hope I find out someday.  But I guess for now I just have to keep taking it one day at a time, leaning on the things I do know, that:

• God dearly loves every person, but He lets us make our own choices—which sometimes hurt each other in awful ways.
• God is with me every second, and He weeps when I weep.
• There is a bigger picture, and although I feel like I'm in a little boat in the middle of the ocean, not even able to see over the waves, God can see the whole globe and cares for every person in it.
• My mother-in-law and my mom and countless others who love Him are with the person of Jesus this very second, safe and sound and in total peace and joy...and someday I'll be there with them.

But not today, and most-likely not tomorrow.  Tomorrow I'm going to be on a wooden seat in a small room, clutching a tissue and feeling sick to my stomach.  But I will not be alone.  No, I will not be alone.  And while the district attorney paints a picture of Jay's mom dying alone at the hands of her attacker, I know she wasn't really alone either.  Jesus was there, holding her soul in His loving, scarred hands, and He was weeping.