Making a List and Checking It Twice, 30 December 2012

I'm feeling conflicted.  Jay took the kids to a friend's house this evening so I could catch up on some introverted time after lots of loud holiday events.  But for the past 90 minutes, I've been puttering around on Facebook and email.  Physically, I'm alone in my house, but mentally, I surrounded myself with people (2-dimensional though they may be).

And at this moment, instead of journaling with a pencil on a mute piece of paper, I'm writing out my thoughts in a public venue.  Does this count as introvert or extrovert time?

I guess the point of my "alone" time is to do whatever will facilitate my rest and recovery, and if sitting under a blanket staring at pithy posts on my computer screen feels restful, then I don't need to feel like I'm wasting rest time.  "Get out from under the covers and do something restful--don't just sit there!"  It does sound kinda silly when I put it like that.

Before I get into the questions many of you are probably wondering ("Rachel, how are you doing?  When are you going to write that scathing, passionate entry, post-trial?  Have you figured out how to articulate what it feels like to have a murderer in the family?"), I have some rather mundane things to ponder.  In fact, they're so mundane I'm reconsidering the private pencil idea. But that would involve getting out from under my blanket, so I'll just stick with this.

Question: How should I spend the rest of our holiday week off?

Possible Answers:

1. Work out more ideas for our summertime 10th anniversary escape.

     The problem with this is that I haven't emotionally settled on what I actually want to do or where I want to go.  I think we're aiming for the British Isles, but do we really have enough energy to navigate buses and trains?  Am I sure I don't have the energy to rent a car and learn to drive on foreign terrain?  Wouldn't we rather take a cruise?  Can we afford the type of cruise we would want?  Would we wish we could have visited more inland areas than a cruise offers?  Is it realistic to expect that we can get childcare for two weeks?  If we wait to make a decision, mightn't airfare suddenly drop in price?  This "answer" to the question of how I should spend the week results in more questions than answers.

2. Nail down a way to quickly and inexpensively scan lots of letters and pictures I inherited from my mom's belongings.

     I have this box of adorable drawings my mom made when she was a little girl, and school projects her mom saved, and school projects of ours my mom saved, and Christmas letters, and journal entries, and a whole lot of miscellaneous papery items it would be nice to preserve and distribute to other family members electronically.  But do you think I'm going to do it one side at a time on my little printer?  No.  And once/if I do find a way of scanning, do I want to spend the time doing it this week?  Blech.  Sounds tedious.  But if not now, when?

3. Sit down and make progress on the recipe scanning project I already started.

     It's true.  I already have a scanning project going on.  And by "going on," I mean "started and neglected."  My mom's well-used box of recipes landed in my house when I blithely promised my sisters I'd scan the recipes for them.  But it's so boring to sit there doing that.  I've already scanned the Desserts category; is anyone actually interested in Soups and Sauces?

4. Hang photos on the walls.

     Here's another project I'm partway into.  Although we've lived in this house for 2.5 years, we have a total of three photographs affixed to the walls.  I've already planned out which photos I want and bought frames for them, so the only real reason to avoid working on this is that I'm always afraid of hanging things askew.  Maybe I shouldn't let that stop me.  I am also waiting on some pictures I need my sisters to email me, but if I turn up the heat maybe they'll respond to my request.  (Em?  Kay?  Are you paying attention?)

5. Watch cartoons or other shows.

     Something tells me I'll be able to squeeze a little of this into my week without too much trouble.

6. Do my laundry.

     Notice I did not say, do our laundry.  That's because Jay keeps whisking dirty clothes up and washing them before I do!  The only reason he doesn't launder my clothes too is that he is afraid he'll wash or dry something on the wrong setting (my clothes tend to be more delicate than the boy clothes around here).  I don't deserve him.  But I'm pretty sure I can't indefinitely avoid doing my own laundry, so we'll take this item as a given for the week.

7. Sit quietly and reflect on my spiritual life.

     This sounds healthy.  I wish it didn't sound boring.  Why couldn't I have been born with more of a contemplative nature?  Maybe I need to look at this as having some moments of reflection, rather than hours.  That sounds more doable.  And I could pick some sort of memory trigger (like seeing Christmas lights or hearing the heater turn on) to remind me to pray during the times I'm working on non-contemplative tasks.

8. Put away the Christmas decor.

     It would be nice to get everything boxed up and stowed away, but I know the house will look a bit bleak once all the trimmings are down.  Buuuut, if I put photos on the walls right after, that might take the edge off the bleakness!  Or I could leave the decorations up and the photos down and turn a cartoon on.

9. Exercise.

     Wait, what's that?  Oh yeah, it's that thing I used to do before EVERYTHING in my life felt more important.  I think a couple of brisk walks are in order this week!  Oo, and I could be contemplative during the walk.

10. Write a passionate post revealing my inmost emotional state.

     Or write a potential to-do list.  Almost the same thing, right?

Well, it looks like I've settled on laundry, reflective moments, cartoons, and exercise.  I guess I'll have to feel the rest out as the week progresses.  That's a priceless element of vacation time right there: playing things by ear!

Hey, did I put "Eat chocolate and lots of other holiday goodies" on the list?  Maybe I should have inserted that right before "Exercise."  Or maybe right after.

It's Over, 18 December 2012

If Alex Trebek of Jeopardy fame read this answer, "I don't know yet," the first person to buzz in with the question, "How am I?" would be the winner.

The punchline of the story is this: My brother-in-law was found guilty of second-degree murder two weeks ago, and today the same jury, after just 60 minutes of deliberation, found him sane at the time of the crime.

What this means for us is that he's going to a state prison--not a mental hospital--for most-likely the rest of his life--not simply until some doctor somewhere finds him "all better" and releases him.  We don't have to worry about him coming after us or our kids.  Ever.  (Actual sentencing will be given by the judge at the end of January; it will be a 15 years-to life sentence and parole is very rare in these cases.)

I am able to identify one feeling, at least: Relief.

But I've never had a family member convicted of a violent crime before, so it's going to take me a while to figure out the rest of  my feelings.  My trusty therapist mentioned that sometimes going through a trauma temporarily numbs our emotions, so it might take a while for me to emerge out of the bomb shelter my heart's been hiding in and articulate what I'm feeling.

Meanwhile, here are the words and phrases that come to me at this moment.

Vindication
No more lies
Thank you
It's over
Jesus
Family
Hugs
Ouchy

Once my emotional "sap" is running again, I hope to write an eloquent and passionate post about all of this.  Thank you for listening.

Emergency Room (Not That Kind), 01 December 2012

Today Jay and I were sent to the emergency room.

At least, that's what the hotel calls it.  When Jay and I walked into the lobby last night, just starting to remember what being relaxed and happy felt like, we were jarred to discover that our two-night reservation had only made it into the hotel's computer as a one-night stay...and every room in the place was booked for the following night.  So much for feeling relaxed.  We had our room for last night, at least, and were told to speak with the manager in the morning.

When we went down after breakfast, the manager told us there was one room open--the one they keep off-chart for emergencies (not the medical kind; I suppose like a hole blowing up in the wall or something, a la What's Up Doc).

This would most probably count as a hotel emergency.

The good news is, they aren't charging us for the night and will let us redeem our now-unused online deal voucher anytime during the next five months.  The bad news is, the view from the room is mostly of air ducting and the WiFi cuts out every time it starts raining.

The sound of rain drops pattering on metal ducts is surprisingly charming.

But the other good news is, when the intermittent rain lifts, the sea appears on the horizon beyond the rooftops, and this does happen to be the most darling emergency room I've ever encountered.

Our paid-for room didn't come with books!

In a sense, staying in a room designated for emergencies is rather fitting for us right now.  During this trial, it has felt as if we're in an ongoing state of crisis, waiting for disaster to hit in the form of huge delays or a mistrial or a family member's emotional breakdown or--worst of all--an acquittal.  Thank God that fear is passed, at least.

And like the view from this room, our immediate future looks rather dreary.  More trial, more waiting, more anger, more empty space at holidays and birthdays where my MIL should be sitting.  Even the rain splashing against the hotel's metal ducting is reminiscent of tears.

But also like where we're staying today, if I look around inside the room, or out the window past the ugly roofs to the sea, I find beauty and feel peace.  Our lives don't currently have a gloriously sunny, unimpeded prospect, but there are sweet things to delight in, like my children's faces and my flowerbed's seedlings and Jay's strong embrace.

Today, I'm so glad for the chance to sit still long enough to absorb some beauty around me, and to think on the Everyday sweet things in my life.

Sometimes a visit to the emergency room is just what the doctor ordered.