Magnolias

Magnolias

Sunday, October 27, 2013

A New Season of Grief Begins, 27 October 2013

I am so tired of working through grief.

Today, three days before the second anniversary of Jay's mom's death, we told our kids their Grammy G is now in Heaven with Jesus.  This is the third grammy they've lost in 3.5 years, and the third mother-figure I've lost.

While Grammy is not legally related to us, she has been our closest family friend for the last 8 years, since before our son G was born.  I've mentioned her in a few posts, most notably in the strawberry jam adventure, but I'd like to spend little more time expressing how much she meant to us.

We met at church, got to know each other more while she and I worked for the same company, and fully adopted her into our lives as Grammy when Jay and I found out we were expecting our first baby.  I remember lounging in her living room one sunny afternoon while feeling morning-sick, and announcing the news of my pregnancy to her.  Her whole being glowed while she reached forward for a hug and said, "Oh honey!  I thought so."  She's been part of every major event--and countless humdrum ones--ever since.

Grammy isn't in very many of my photographs because I always knew I'd be seeing her again in a couple days; she's the kind of person I unconsciously assumed would always be around.  Just like we "happened" to go to the same church and "happened" to work at the same company, we also "happened" to live just a few blocks apart; we even lost our homes around the same time and both "happened" to move to new neighborhoods, which were again a few blocks apart from each other.  I'd often pack the baby (or babies) into the stroller and walk to her house for play time.  She had special toys she always got out for the boys, and going to her house was like going to Disneyland.  Even just last week, my 2nd grader and Kindergartner were asking to go Grammy's house.  They still excitedly play with the same toys (plus a host of others she's added to the collection over the last seven years).

Grammy has been to every birthday of both boys, plus every Christmas tree decorating and Easter egg hunt.  She took pictures of the boys in their costumes every October.  She counted their first teeth.  She interpreted their cries and first words.  When she retired a few years ago, she became our first-call baby sitter, equally available booked in advance or an hour ahead of time.  Even though plagued with back and leg pain, she occasionally took both kids for a night or two at a time--and I'm not sure who chomped at the bit for those visits most...Jay and I, the kids, or Grammy!
Grammy set up this informal photo shoot for G's first Halloween.


And for his third, she helped him make cookies.

Grammy has been more than a friend to my kids, though.  She has been a friend to me.

Being a "crafty" person, Grammy had a closet-full of party decor: ribbons, streamers, bobbles, candles, stickers, platters, centerpieces...plus a whole lot of ideas and experience.  When I hosted a baby shower, I went to her and her closet first.  When my siblings and I pulled off a surprise party for my parents' 30th anniversary, the decor was carefully packed from Grammy's closet and spirited away to the party.  When Jay and I had his parents over for their 30th anniversary, I used Grammy's dishes and tinsel.  As I prepared for Jay's sister's wedding, she tirelessly helped with decorating or watching my kids, as need arose.


At my parents' home, with Grammy's centerpieces and place-cards

This picture (and below) is at our previous home, celebrating my in-laws (on St. Patrick's Day); all decor is Grammy's, except the large painting and the China dishes on the table.



She has been there for me with advice, laughter, and encouragement in the riotous, hilarious, exasperating moments of motherhood.  She's been the #1 fan of my garden and flowers (just last week I texted her pictures of five bouquets I'd made, and she responded with delight to every one).  Her startlingly-helpful wardrobe advice has resulted in the cutest outfits I have.  When I went to visit my sister abroad, Grammy expertly packed my over-full suitcases.  She has sent many texts to me over the years, encouraging and affirming me as a person.  When I look at my timeline of loss, she was my first call and the first tearful hug at each crisis.  She's folded my laundry, done my dishes, swept my kitchen floor.  Needless to say, Grammy's on my speed dial.

There are ways I've been a special friend to her, too, and I mention them here not to toot my own horn, but to demonstrate the kind of unique friendship we had.  (Besides, no matter how much I helped her with anything, it never felt like I'd done half as much as she had to help me.)  Grammy cried on my shoulder during some of her hard times, and I walked her through a number of them.  When her back pain became too much to bear at a desk job, she sat on my couch and we filled out disability retirement paperwork together.  When her mortgage turned upside-down during the housing crash, I scheduled and accompanied her to HUD consultations.  I attended her father's memorial service (she attended my mother's and MIL's) and spent hours listening to stories--happy and sad--of her childhood and youth.  Because she never had internet at her home, she'd sometimes come over for my help if the need arose to print something or retrieve information from a website.

In short, Grammy has been like a mom to me since before I became a mom, myself.  I never imagined raising my kids without my mother living, but I knew I still had Jay's mom...and Grammy.  I never imagined raising my kids without Jay's mom living, but I knew I still had Grammy.  And now...

...I simply cannot imagine my life without Grammy.  So I won't.  Not today.  Today had enough of its own burden as Jay and I prepared and sat with the kids to tell them about this third great loss of their young lives.  We hugged them and cried with them and hugged them some more.

My little boys will get more hugs from us tomorrow, and I know I have other dear friends and family who will give me hugs, too.  But oh! why can't I have a hug from Grammy?

Saturday, October 12, 2013

"I Do" and Still Do, 12 October 2013

Today makes 11 years since the day Jay and I were married!



Happy Anniversary, Darling.  I thought I was head-over-heels about you then, but compared to now, I didn't even know you!  Now I'm crazy about you, for sure.

Huh, makes me wonder how I'll feel after the next 11 years!  The better I know you, the more I love you.

Here's to another year of growing in our relationship and falling deeper in love with each other.

Love,
Wifey

P.S. Think you'll ever wear tails again?  I kinda have to agree with my mom that it looks dashing.