If Alex Trebek of Jeopardy fame read this answer, "I don't know yet," the first person to buzz in with the question, "How am I?" would be the winner.
The punchline of the story is this: My brother-in-law was found guilty of second-degree murder two weeks ago, and today the same jury, after just 60 minutes of deliberation, found him sane at the time of the crime.
What this means for us is that he's going to a state prison--not a mental hospital--for most-likely the rest of his life--not simply until some doctor somewhere finds him "all better" and releases him. We don't have to worry about him coming after us or our kids. Ever. (Actual sentencing will be given by the judge at the end of January; it will be a 15 years-to life sentence and parole is very rare in these cases.)
I am able to identify one feeling, at least: Relief.
But I've never had a family member convicted of a violent crime before, so it's going to take me a while to figure out the rest of my feelings. My trusty therapist mentioned that sometimes going through a trauma temporarily numbs our emotions, so it might take a while for me to emerge out of the bomb shelter my heart's been hiding in and articulate what I'm feeling.
Meanwhile, here are the words and phrases that come to me at this moment.
Vindication
No more lies
Thank you
It's over
Jesus
Family
Hugs
Ouchy
Once my emotional "sap" is running again, I hope to write an eloquent and passionate post about all of this. Thank you for listening.
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