Mostly Yesterdays, 30 September 2013

This morning I had a wonderful time getting to know our new pastor of children and family ministries.  Pastor Elle and I sipped coffee and nibbled a cinnamon roll while I got to hear some of her story, and she got to hear some of mine.  It's not every day that I sit down with someone and review the highlights of the last few years...and honestly, it's not an easy story to tell.  I'm so thankful for Pastor Elle's thoughtful listening, and for the opportunity to review some of my recent past.

Plus, how can you not enjoy a cappuccino when it looks like this?

When I got to the story of Jay's mom being killed just 18 months after my mom died, Elle sat up with big eyes and said, "How did you not just run away from God at that moment?!  How were you not ready to give up on Him?"

I stopped and thought about it.  But my mind was blank.  "I don't know," I replied honestly.

I'd like to explore the "how," but first here's the "what."  The following timeline is not a pity-party, but it helps explain Pastor Elle's question this morning.  (Please keep in mind that these are just the "highlights"; sprinkled throughout are babies' first steps, landscaping projects, family vacations, dishes and laundry, flus, graduations, and lots and lots of everyday stuff.)

2005-2009

January 2005 - Buy an 850 square-ft house at what--we discover later--is the very peak of the housing market, planning to sell and move up in three years

September 2006 - G is born

July 2007 - I resign from my part-time job to be full-time stay-at-home mom

July 2008 - Z is born; house is feeling smaller and losing market value

July 2009 - We take a hard look at our financial situation with a home that has lost 70% of its 2005 value

December 2009 - We enter the market for a new house, reserving savings for a down payment  and aggressively research options for dealing with our current house

2010

January 2010 - I attend a weekend retreat and learn about accepting grief; I recognize my grief about college music and find comfort in the lament Psalms of the Bible

February 2010 - My dad loses his job; the pastor who married Jay and me commits suicide at the age of 50

March 2010 - My mom (diagnosed with polymyositis in 2001) goes into the hospital for an emergency spleen removal; a young dad at our church dies of brain cancer while his tween daughter is at my house (I tell her and accompany her to say goodbye to his body); a college friend's brother dies in a ski accident; we put an offer on a house

April 2010 - We get keys for our new house; my mom dies at the age of 52 after six weeks in the hospital

May 2010 - Our church overwhelms us by fixing up our new house for us; we start negotiations with banks to resolve our first home's mortgage problem

June 2010 - We move into the new house and begin short sale proceedings on the old house

October 2010 - My sister Kay gets married without her mommy and moves to New Zealand

November 2010 - I start regular sessions with a grief therapist

December 2010 - After 6 months of bank b.s., our old house goes into foreclosure process

2011

April 2011 - Our old house forecloses; my dad sells our childhood home of almost 25 years

August 2011 - Jay's sister gets engaged and moves to California to prepare for her wedding with family nearby; I start homeschooling G for Kindergarten

October 2011 - Jay's mom is brutally murdered at the age of 55 by one of her sons; I take on setting up meetings with legal services, work on the memorial service, and accept the reigns of planning my sister-in-law's December wedding

December 2011 - Jay's sister gets married without her mommy

2012

January 2012 - I take a hard look at my life and come to terms with the reality that a dear friend is an alcoholic...and simultaneously realize that my own life choices have spiraled down in ways that parallel hers

February 2012 - My ADORABLE nephew Baby K is born to my sister Clare--he's the first grandchild never to be held by his Grandma

March 2012 - I start attending Al-Anon; write my first blog post after burying my mom's remains; and attend the trial prelim for Jay's brother

April 2012 - I begin helping my sister Em plan her June wedding

June 2012 - Em gets married without her mommy; my dad remarries the very next weekend

October 2012 - Jay and I mark our 10th wedding anniversary (delaying celebration until 2013); we mark one year since my MIL's death

November 2012 - The trial against Jay's brother begins

December 2012 - The verdict is pronounced

2013

January 2013 - Jay and I are interviewed and photographed for the local paper about our housing story; sentencing is completed

February 2013 - Jay's dad gets married 

March 2013 to the present - Our lives take on less of the unexpected and more of the peaceful; we have our 10th anniversary celebration; Z starts Kindergarten; I reconcile with music 

That's the "what" of Pastor Elle's wide-eyed question.  You have your own timelines, your own stories.  This just happens to be mine.

So now the "how."  How did I go through--and continue to live with--all of this without giving up on God?

Now that I think about it, the how isn't that profound.  While writing this post tonight, I paused to look at--and cry through--some of the journal entries I wrote over the last three years, and they show how I deal with the grief.  I get counseling.  I journal and write poetry.  I cry.  I yell.  I get hugs.  I get angry.  I eat.  I exercise.  I sleep.  I lay awake.  I pray and hope.  I read.  I connect with others.  I see small and big ways that God gives me grace and strength to face the day.  I learn to be more compassionate toward others' pain.

The more profound question, I think, is "Why?  Why haven't I walked out on God?"

The answer is another 'w' word.  It's because of Who I'm convinced He is.

In the movie The Great Muppet Caper, our favorite green guy, Kermit the Frog, asks Charles Grodin's bad-guy character, "Why are you doing this?"  To which the bad guy answers, "Because I'm a villain, pure and simple!"

C'mon!  Who holds Kermit at gun-point?

Well, my God is a good guy, pure and simple.

My God created a perfect world, a world full of people who make choices like He does.  When we mess it up, that does not mean He did anything wrong. He hasn't abandoned us, but keeps on offering right-now relationship and forgiveness to everyone...even the really, really bad guys.  (And btw, we're all badder than we think.  Ever hated someone?  You know, like brothers-in-law who murder their mothers?  Yeah, well Jesus said hating someone is murdering them in your heart.  Oh snap...)

I haven't given up, because I have this little thing called Hope. My God gives me a dried-in-blood promise that things won't be messed up forever; that He's going to wipe away pain, suffering, tears, injustice, hatred, and all evil.  Instead there will be joy, friendships, peace, excitement, wholeness, and pure love...forever.  (But why isn't that amazing eternity now?  I've asked that question in anguish many times.  But the more I think about it, the more I suspect He's the one patiently leaving room for us to step up and become the change in today we want to see.  I just might have to act on my convictions about the wrongs in the world!  Oh snap...)

Writing is one of my favorite art forms, but today I've had a really hard time using words to express my feelings about all of this.  Maybe word-pictures are better!  As it so happens, completely apart from all the thinking I've been doing about this, Jay--with some help from the kids--came up with the word pictures below, which I'd like to share.

The bottom line is this:  Whatever happens in my life, I know I'll get through all the hows because I'm already convinced of Who the Good Guy is.  And that's why I'm not giving up.