Today's theme is "off-balance." If I'd been watching gymnastics this week I could probably insert some kind of joke about losing balance, but that's not the kind of balance I mean. I mean that I have felt a decrease of emotional equilibrium today. (Try saying that five times fast.)
It started with making a list of back-to-school supplies for G, who will start first grade in two weeks. Millions upon millions of parents have done this many, many times, but today was the first time for me. Even while growing up, the first time I did my own "back to school" shopping was when I was getting ready to leave for college, and that included things like nail clippers and microwaves. Before that, I was homeschooled by an extremely organized mom, and the cabinets were always stocked with paper and markers and binders, while loaded backpacks were hardly necessary on a day-to-day basis.
Last year, G's schooling was done mostly at home; the only things he needed to take with him to his twice-a-week class was a backpack with a small lunch box. But he'll be in class four days a week this year (there is still a homeschooling component to the program) and his teacher posted a list of things I've never bought for a child before: small whiteboard, ruler, thermal lunch bag, 3-ring binders, and so-on.
Looking at the list from his teacher, I thought about just how many life changes this school year will involve. First of all--and again, I know this is routine for scores of parents by the time their child is two years old--I've never had to pack a daily lunch for my kid before. I've never left him at a class by himself for four hours before. Z and I haven't had so much one-on-one time since I left the hospital with him at birth! And the planner in me wonders: What'll it be like? Will we all enjoy it? What challenges will this create? Will G thrive? How will Z's personality develop as he spends time away from the shadow of his brother? How will my personality develop as I only have one child at home during the day?
Wait a second. One child at home during the day. !!!!!! I think I need to pause and do a little jig.
Then again, will I feel guilty that I don't have as many "kid" tasks during the day? What will I do with my rearranged time? Will I be resentful that another woman is teaching G during the day, or feel guilty about it, or want to kiss her feet, or somewhere in between?
All I know is, last year was hard. With a violent death and three weddings and a baby and two crazy kids and other major stuff, our first year of homeschooling was NOT ideal. Not that any year is, necessarily. The point is, even with all of the logistical and emotional changes this next year will involve, I think school this year will be easier than the last.
Notice I say "school this year" will be easier; I am not counting on other external circumstances being easier. Life is too unexpected to plan that. But I can plan on whiteboards, rulers, and lunch bags, even if the need for them makes my feelings a little topsy-turvy. At least topsy-turvy is a part of parenthood that's expected!
No comments:
Post a Comment