TV Trauma, 06 August 2012

Tonight I cried at the end of a TV episode.

Here are a few things I should explain:

1. I don't like to cry.
2. Since April of 2010 (when my mom died), I rarely cry.
3. I hate watching sad stuff on TV.
4. So I don't.
5. I do enjoy the intrigue of watching certain lightweight crime shows, solving a murder a minute.  (Three cheers for closure in an hour!)
6. I'm not sure why those don't usually feel sad to me; I think it has to do with the episode story lines not emotionally focusing on the victim, but rather on the ongoing characters.
7. I get attached to ongoing characters.
8. Sometimes, show writers opt for drama (go figure) and make sad stuff happen to the ongoing characters.
9. At which time I angrily stomp my feet and end the evening in a tiff.
10. Except for when my favorite show with my favorite characters sneaks sad stuff in.
11. Then I cry.

The particular show I watched tonight has had two episodes that brought tears streaming down my face.  Oh, there have been plenty of tiff-producing moments throughout the seasons, but these two episodes stand out.

The first episode that got me bawling shook me up pretty good.  I cried for 10 minutes straight--having not even cried at my own mother's memorial service--and thought, "What is wrong with me???  These are made-up people in a made-up show...It's not even real!!"  In fact, I was so troubled by my over-reaction that I discussed it with my therapist at my next appointment.

"Isn't it ridiculous?" I scoffed on her couch.

"Well," she said slowly, "the show was made up, but those were your tears."

That hit the nail on the head.  Something real inside me connected emotionally to the something made-up on television, and something real released the tears shut-up inside me.  That happened again with tonight's episode.  A made-up person died, his made-up friends cried on-screen, the pretend casket was sent off on a pretend airplane; but real pain in my real heart let real saltwater flow down my cheeks.

I can't unravel all the tangled emotional nerve endings that fire up inside me.  But it is comforting to know that I can cry; that feelings inside me are active and can be released, even if it takes a group of Hollywood actors and writers to do it.

Of course, I'm still angry at them.  They'd better make up for it in the next episode!