Today has been a weird day. No, nothing weird happened--no meteors falling on my head or kids swallowing pennies--but I've felt weird inside. And really, really tired. Like, how-am-I-going-get-out-of-bed tired.
Usually, when I feel that fatigued it's because I'm grieving something. And given that this is two days after the anniversary of my mom's death, I suppose that's likely. But I think there's more to it than having passed that date: I think it's bridesmaid dresses.
Okay, it's not like I looked at a bridesmaid dress today and started bawling (although I'm sure some poor females have done that, well-intentioned brides notwithstanding). But I've spent a good portion of the last two days looking at dresses on behalf of my engaged sister, and I've felt increasingly sadder and sadder.
What's that all about? It's a dress for someone else's wedding; who really cares if I like the design or the price or the color. Something tells me there's more going on here. And we come back to...wait for it...missing Mom.
If Mom were here, I suspect I would not take so much responsibility for finding bridesmaid dresses. I suspect I wouldn't be helping my sister budget for her wedding. I suspect I'd giggle with her a little more and advise her a little less. I suspect my sister would come to me upset about Mom's opinion, and I'd be finding a way to talk Mom out of it, rather than me sitting down and telling my sister, "Well, here's what Mom would say."
If Mom were here, I wouldn't be confused about whether I'm a sister or my sister's mother. I'm not her mother. But I'm not a giggling sister either. So what am I?
And that, dear friend, is a weird question to ask and an even weirder one to try and answer.
(Meanwhile, do stay tuned as to whether the bridesmaid dresses end up being yellow or green or purple.)
Oh, for the peace of balancing who we are vs. who we need to be vs. who we want to be.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I'm pretty comfortable with all the who you are's.