How to Take Your Kids to Ireland--Sights and Sites

While researching places to visit with kids in the Republic of Ireland, I found many reviews geared toward adults. There's a big difference between what an adult might enjoy and what a squirrelly eight-year old boy will like. Family-friendly sights and activities can be found on a few websites, and I'm glad to share our experiences as well. Here are some places our family loved!  

Remember, this is our experience traveling with two tween-age boys to places that interested us within the time we had...this is not meant to be a sole resource.
For a step-by-step trip planning guide, start with this post.

In and Around Dublin

(We spent three nights)

National Museum of Ireland--Archaeology

Irish mummies. Need I say more? Seriously, while a little creepy, the Bog Bodies at this museum are amazing. There are also fantastic exhibits of gold jewelry, Viking artifacts, and incredible early Irish Christian crosses. Oh yeah, and weapons through the ages. (It's also free admission, which is awesome.)

A long-lost cousin, perhaps?

Dublinia

So. Fun. An interactive museum geared for kids that's great for the parents, too. The three levels have displays, activities, and actors demonstrating life through the ages in Dublin. If your kids have energy to burn, take them up the 96 steps to a great view of the city. This museum also offers a combo ticket to Christ's Church Cathedral, but it was closed the day we were there.

A tour guide explains medieval justice systems.

Helmet's a little big.

Trinity College Library

Not only does this stunning library include some of Europe's very first books off the printing press, it contains a great exhibit surrounding The Book of Kells, a 1200-year old illuminated Gospel. Before you go, be sure to watch "The Secret of Kells," which is a gorgeous fantasy-telling of the book's history--and gives the kids buy-in when seeing the real thing.

http://www.atlanticbridge.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Library-long-room-Trinity-College-Dublin.jpg

Tours of the campus are also available, which Jay and I enjoyed when we went without kids, but gave it a miss while having them. There's a campus cafe across the quad from the library, which makes for a convenient cake break.

Parks and Playgrounds

We stayed within walking distance to two parks the boys really enjoyed, Iveagh Gardens with its boxhedge maze and super fun boulders and hills to climb on; and the large St. Stephens Green with ponds, trails, and a playground. These parks are free (and the only ones we had time to explore). Here's a helpful link to reviews of Dublin's playgrounds.

Cheater!

Newgrange, Newgrange Farm, and the Hill of Tara

THIS IS COOL. When's the last time you were in a 5,000-year old structure? I can't recommend enough taking this half-day bus tour. It includes guaranteed entry into the Newgrange passage tomb (with no waiting in lines), time to wander the dripping-with-history Hill of Tara, a lovely lunch break at a family-friendly farm, and wonderful live-narration of the area's history during the driving.

"We can run anywhere we want?!" Bliss!

Our boys loved running up and down hills, feeding chickens, milking a plastic cow, and touching stone carvings that were made before writing was invented. It's totally worth it to take the tour. Our boys were the only kids on the bus...which made for a quiet ride, but it's too bad families are missing out!

Counties Kilkenny and Wexford

 (We spent two nights)

I'm sure we didn't do the cute town of Kilkenny justice, because we only spent half a day walking around. We did...

Kilkenny River Walk (we did a piece of it)

The River Nore is beautiful and there are a number of trail routes you can walk (or cycle) along its banks. Great way for the kids to run and burn some energy. If you follow the river through town, it takes you to...

View of River Nore from Kilkenny Castle

Kilkenny Castle and Grounds

You'll have to gauge your kids to know if they'll enjoy touring the castle. Its foundations were laid in medieval times, but the current castle has been restored as it was in the Victorian era. So while I enjoyed the lavish wall coverings and furnishings, my boys were a bit bored. However, I pointed out to them that this was how English nobles were living during the time impoverished Irish were emigrating from their homeland in droves, so it's good for perspective.

The grounds are gorgeous. Large lawns, pretty flowers. Apparently, there's a playground here (included in paid castle admission), but my boys were too tired from walking along the river to check it out.

There's a lot we could have done in County Wexford (including this cool outdoor museum-park-thingy we had to skip because one of our travel days was unexpectedly long), but we only had time to visit the...

Dunbrody Famine Ship

If you or anyone you know is of Irish ancestry, a tour of this ship docked in the town of New Ross is especially meaningful. The Dunbrody is a full reconstruction of an actual 19th century "famine ship," which took often-desperate emigrants one-way to the New World to try and find a better life. The tour includes a brief history video, exploration of the boat, and conversation with actors representing actual passengers. It's really cool.

Totally worth the 45-minute drive from Kilkenny, but don't plan on doing anything else in the town. New Ross doesn't seem to have recovered from the recent recession and didn't have a whole lot to offer.

County Tipperary

 (We drove through)

Rock of Cashel 
Not only is this ultra dramatic stone complex a feast for the eyes and mind, it's set atop a grassy hill with walls around the base...and a docent told us, "Let the kids roll down the hill!" Jay and I gawked through the medieval church/fortress and the kids got grass stains. Win-win! Do try to get there before noon, however, because it can get pret-ty busy with tourists.

County Kerry

 (We spent two nights) 

You've probably heard of "The Ring of Kerry," a not-to-be-missed dramatic drive around the Iveragh Peninsula. Well, we skipped it and didn't miss it. Spending four hours in the car looking at scenery and trailing behind tour buses with two tween-agers wasn't our idea of fun. Here's how our family enjoyed the beauty, history, and music of this amazing county.

Muckross Farms

This was a perfect break in the long drive from Cashel to Dingle, but it's a great destination in its own right. This working, outdoor museum shows how three family farms were run in the 1940s. The docents actually work the farms and are delightful to chat with. We ate soda bread baked over a peat fire (no electricity), milked a cow, hunted for eggs, turned a lathe, and held downy chicks.

Jay milked the cow too!

There is an extensive baby-farm animal area for petting--ask the docent about the animals and listen hard through his thick Irish accent--a playground, picnic areas, and even a bouncy-house!

The walk between the three farms is simply beautiful, and there's a little shuttle bus that you can take instead if you want to save your legs.

The boys warm up over a peat fire.

If you're interested, Muckross also has a Victorian mansion for touring (a separate admission fee); we skipped it because the kids had enough of that sort of thing at Kilkenny Castle.

Dingle Peninsula Archaeology Tour

Don't let the word "archaeology" scare you! This 2.5-hour tour is a great alternative to doing the more rigorous Ring of Kerry drive, and it includes time for the kids to run around at the various stops. Tim Collins and his son are both scientists who take a small group twice a day around the peninsula, showing off breathtaking views and staggeringly-old sites.

Everyone gets to hear about the area's history while driving along the coastline between stops, and then the kids get to explore. This is NOT a no-touching experience! Once again, our boys were the only kids on the tour, which is a real shame.

G investigates an escape tunnel from this ring fort.

Traditional Music

Dingle is famous for its lively "trad sessions," which can be found just about every night after 8 or 9:00 in the local pubs. But--especially after sight-seeing all day--by that time in the evening, our kids were done. As an earlier alternative, Dingle has a couple music events each week during the summer around 5 p.m. at the charming music store Siopa Ceoil and at St. James' Church. G and I went to the Siopa Ceoil concert and found it to be cozy, lively, and fun. (The orange juice and Irish coffees given during half-time were nice too). Granted, most of the 30 audience members were graying tour bus types from Ohio, but they were enthusiastic nonetheless!

Linger at Siopa Ceoil during the day when you get your tickets, and chat with owner Michael. If you or your kids are musical at all, you might even get to jam with him a bit! I was thrilled to play a little piano alongside his accordion.

Farm Stay

If you possibly can, stay on a farm on the Dingle Peninsula. It was incredibly peaceful to have ocean on one side, mountains on the opposite side, and grazing sheep everywhere in between. If you stay with a relaxed farmer like we did, your kids might even get to chase the sheep around.

The Playdium

Part of the climbing structure

What a gift! Tralee's giant indoor playground for kids under 12 is about an hour inland from Dingle. It made a great driving break for us on the way to County Clare: Jay sat in the cafe area with The Playdium's wifi while the kids romped...and I went shopping in cute old-town Tralee. (Ahem, for shopping bargains go to Penneys. Not JC Penny's.)

Between County Kerry and County Clare...

...Take the ShannonFerry. Your nav system may very well try to route you around the Shannon Estuary through Limerick, but don't do it. The 20-minute ferry ride is inexpensive, a change of scenery, and a break from driving. The kids--and parents--can get out of the car and watch the water zip by in the wind.

County Clare

(We spent three nights)

Cliffs of Moher

These ridiculously dramatic cliffs dropping into the wild Atlantic ocean are breathtaking. There are several ways to experience the Cliffs, depending on your time, budget, and physical fitness. We chose to start at the visitor center and walk around within the park (there are tasteful safety walls all along the edges). If you're not worried about yourself or your children dropping off the rim to certain death, you can hike for miles along the coast on a narrow cow path. There are also boat cruises and airplane rides for booking.

Our 8-year old could see, but not swan dive. Perfect!

 
Fanore

Or Doolin or Ballyvaughan. This stretch of Ireland's West Coast is simply stunning. Get yourself an AirBnB cottage and relax for a few days. In addition to staring at sunsets over the ocean and reading books in a farmhouse while listening to the sound of the waves outside my window (or in the case of the kids, getting in some quality tablet time), there are several things in the area we loved doing.

Fanore Beach

This is one of Ireland's highest-rated beaches for swimming and playing, complete with lifeguard. It has bathrooms, outdoor showers, smooth sand, and surf board rental. The parking lot is a good size, but if it fills up, you can take a nice walk through the fields from your nearby rental. It's okay to hop over fences, apparently.

On our beach day in mid-June, half the time we were playing it was sunny. Then it wasn't, and I was glad for my windbreaker and towel to bundle up in. The kids were still in the water though! Be sure to bring a picnic or snacks, unless you want to save your appetite for...




O'Donohue's Pub
This wonderful place springs up out of nowhere along the Wild Atlantic Way. Technically in Fanore, if you blink you'll miss it (really, you'll miss Fanore entirely if you blink). The decor is charming, the food is delicious, the staff is friendly toward families, and they often have local musicians in for trad sessions on weekends. Since it's the only restaurant for 20 minutes in either direction, this is a local watering hole not overrun by tourists. Score!

 










Walking Trails Through the Burren

I can't not include this photo.

The Burren's landscape is dramatic and varied, with trails that loop all around the area. If your family doesn't fancy an all-day hike, you can do like Z and I did and just walk a section. We drove up the hill from Fanore, parked the car (after following a cow for a while, since the road was too narrow to get around her), and walked as long as we wanted before turning around.

Medieval and Folk Banquet 
Candles flicker against stone walls, jolly guests clamber onto wooden benches and tables, pitchers of cold mead clank against goblets, the aroma of roasting potatoes fills the air. A harp begins strumming and clear voices sing out a welcome to "My lords and ladies of the castle!" With so many castles in Ireland, how can you not take your family to a banquet at one?

Shannon Heritage in County Clare offers evening banquets year-round at three different castles: Bunratty, Knappogue, and Dunguaire. (Technically, Dunguaire is in County Galway, but barely.) Bunratty gets a lot of press because it also has an outdoor folk museum where kids can dress up and pet animals. However, it's right near the Shannon airport and I read reviews that said it was overrun by jetlagged tourists. If you go to Bunratty, please let me know what your experience was like!

This is an activity that should be booked a couple months ahead of time...especially if you'll be there in summer and prefer the 5:30 seating to the 8:45 seating (or vice versa). We had a 5:30 Sunday evening showing at Dunguaire Castle and--as seems to be the pattern with our trip--ours were the only kids there. Because of this, we got seated right at the front and our kids got a lot of attention from the performers. They ate the feast and the entertainment up!

County Offaly

(We spent one night)

Birr Castle Playground and Gardens

Smack-dab in the heart of the Irish Midlands is the little town of Birr, halfway between Galway and Dublin. If you're going through this area, Birr Castle is a fantastic place to get the kids out of the car and play. With an awesome playground, gorgeous trails and gardens, and the once-largest telescope in the world, your family could end up spending hours playing and exploring. (The castle itself is only open to pre-booked tours during the summer for ages 12 and above, because the Parsons family--owners since 1620--still lives there!)

If you've visited any of these places as a family, or have other suggestions, please share in the comments!

Mostly Yesterdays, 30 September 2013

This morning I had a wonderful time getting to know our new pastor of children and family ministries.  Pastor Elle and I sipped coffee and nibbled a cinnamon roll while I got to hear some of her story, and she got to hear some of mine.  It's not every day that I sit down with someone and review the highlights of the last few years...and honestly, it's not an easy story to tell.  I'm so thankful for Pastor Elle's thoughtful listening, and for the opportunity to review some of my recent past.

Plus, how can you not enjoy a cappuccino when it looks like this?

When I got to the story of Jay's mom being killed just 18 months after my mom died, Elle sat up with big eyes and said, "How did you not just run away from God at that moment?!  How were you not ready to give up on Him?"

I stopped and thought about it.  But my mind was blank.  "I don't know," I replied honestly.

I'd like to explore the "how," but first here's the "what."  The following timeline is not a pity-party, but it helps explain Pastor Elle's question this morning.  (Please keep in mind that these are just the "highlights"; sprinkled throughout are babies' first steps, landscaping projects, family vacations, dishes and laundry, flus, graduations, and lots and lots of everyday stuff.)

2005-2009

January 2005 - Buy an 850 square-ft house at what--we discover later--is the very peak of the housing market, planning to sell and move up in three years

September 2006 - G is born

July 2007 - I resign from my part-time job to be full-time stay-at-home mom

July 2008 - Z is born; house is feeling smaller and losing market value

July 2009 - We take a hard look at our financial situation with a home that has lost 70% of its 2005 value

December 2009 - We enter the market for a new house, reserving savings for a down payment  and aggressively research options for dealing with our current house

2010

January 2010 - I attend a weekend retreat and learn about accepting grief; I recognize my grief about college music and find comfort in the lament Psalms of the Bible

February 2010 - My dad loses his job; the pastor who married Jay and me commits suicide at the age of 50

March 2010 - My mom (diagnosed with polymyositis in 2001) goes into the hospital for an emergency spleen removal; a young dad at our church dies of brain cancer while his tween daughter is at my house (I tell her and accompany her to say goodbye to his body); a college friend's brother dies in a ski accident; we put an offer on a house

April 2010 - We get keys for our new house; my mom dies at the age of 52 after six weeks in the hospital

May 2010 - Our church overwhelms us by fixing up our new house for us; we start negotiations with banks to resolve our first home's mortgage problem

June 2010 - We move into the new house and begin short sale proceedings on the old house

October 2010 - My sister Kay gets married without her mommy and moves to New Zealand

November 2010 - I start regular sessions with a grief therapist

December 2010 - After 6 months of bank b.s., our old house goes into foreclosure process

2011

April 2011 - Our old house forecloses; my dad sells our childhood home of almost 25 years

August 2011 - Jay's sister gets engaged and moves to California to prepare for her wedding with family nearby; I start homeschooling G for Kindergarten

October 2011 - Jay's mom is brutally murdered at the age of 55 by one of her sons; I take on setting up meetings with legal services, work on the memorial service, and accept the reigns of planning my sister-in-law's December wedding

December 2011 - Jay's sister gets married without her mommy

2012

January 2012 - I take a hard look at my life and come to terms with the reality that a dear friend is an alcoholic...and simultaneously realize that my own life choices have spiraled down in ways that parallel hers

February 2012 - My ADORABLE nephew Baby K is born to my sister Clare--he's the first grandchild never to be held by his Grandma

March 2012 - I start attending Al-Anon; write my first blog post after burying my mom's remains; and attend the trial prelim for Jay's brother

April 2012 - I begin helping my sister Em plan her June wedding

June 2012 - Em gets married without her mommy; my dad remarries the very next weekend

October 2012 - Jay and I mark our 10th wedding anniversary (delaying celebration until 2013); we mark one year since my MIL's death

November 2012 - The trial against Jay's brother begins

December 2012 - The verdict is pronounced

2013

January 2013 - Jay and I are interviewed and photographed for the local paper about our housing story; sentencing is completed

February 2013 - Jay's dad gets married 

March 2013 to the present - Our lives take on less of the unexpected and more of the peaceful; we have our 10th anniversary celebration; Z starts Kindergarten; I reconcile with music 

That's the "what" of Pastor Elle's wide-eyed question.  You have your own timelines, your own stories.  This just happens to be mine.

So now the "how."  How did I go through--and continue to live with--all of this without giving up on God?

Now that I think about it, the how isn't that profound.  While writing this post tonight, I paused to look at--and cry through--some of the journal entries I wrote over the last three years, and they show how I deal with the grief.  I get counseling.  I journal and write poetry.  I cry.  I yell.  I get hugs.  I get angry.  I eat.  I exercise.  I sleep.  I lay awake.  I pray and hope.  I read.  I connect with others.  I see small and big ways that God gives me grace and strength to face the day.  I learn to be more compassionate toward others' pain.

The more profound question, I think, is "Why?  Why haven't I walked out on God?"

The answer is another 'w' word.  It's because of Who I'm convinced He is.

In the movie The Great Muppet Caper, our favorite green guy, Kermit the Frog, asks Charles Grodin's bad-guy character, "Why are you doing this?"  To which the bad guy answers, "Because I'm a villain, pure and simple!"

C'mon!  Who holds Kermit at gun-point?

Well, my God is a good guy, pure and simple.

My God created a perfect world, a world full of people who make choices like He does.  When we mess it up, that does not mean He did anything wrong. He hasn't abandoned us, but keeps on offering right-now relationship and forgiveness to everyone...even the really, really bad guys.  (And btw, we're all badder than we think.  Ever hated someone?  You know, like brothers-in-law who murder their mothers?  Yeah, well Jesus said hating someone is murdering them in your heart.  Oh snap...)

I haven't given up, because I have this little thing called Hope. My God gives me a dried-in-blood promise that things won't be messed up forever; that He's going to wipe away pain, suffering, tears, injustice, hatred, and all evil.  Instead there will be joy, friendships, peace, excitement, wholeness, and pure love...forever.  (But why isn't that amazing eternity now?  I've asked that question in anguish many times.  But the more I think about it, the more I suspect He's the one patiently leaving room for us to step up and become the change in today we want to see.  I just might have to act on my convictions about the wrongs in the world!  Oh snap...)

Writing is one of my favorite art forms, but today I've had a really hard time using words to express my feelings about all of this.  Maybe word-pictures are better!  As it so happens, completely apart from all the thinking I've been doing about this, Jay--with some help from the kids--came up with the word pictures below, which I'd like to share.

The bottom line is this:  Whatever happens in my life, I know I'll get through all the hows because I'm already convinced of Who the Good Guy is.  And that's why I'm not giving up. 

A Love Affair Rekindled, 16 September 2013

Today I have time to write about a new romantic relationship I'm forming with one of my exes.  We actually never totally stopped seeing each other, but the relationship was strained for a long time, and other things always seemed to take precedence over spending time together.

But today I can tell you for sure: I'm falling in love with Music again.

Chapter 1

Music and I go way back; in fact, our relationship is older than I am.  As a pre-born child, my little forming ears heard my mom playing organ, piano, and viola, and my tiny insides vibrated whenever she'd pull out all the stops and let loose on a Bach toccata.  Once born, I heard vinyl and cassette recordings of sacred music, orchestral music, and children's songs; and on Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, and Wednesday nights, I heard hymns and other spiritual songs sung at church.  The songs must have had the most influence on me, because I can remember wandering around the house as a toddler, making up my own tunes and lyrics (mostly about how wonderful Jesus was).  One might say that Music was practically a member of my family.

My relationship with Music went from casual to serious around the time I started taking regular piano lessons in mid-elementary school.  Occasionally I'd stand Music up at practice time dates, but I normally showed up and diligently spent the 30 minutes or an hour tickling the keyboard.  My piano teacher drove out to our house in the country once a week and spent a few hours giving back-to-back lessons to my siblings and me, bless her heart.  She would self-deprecatingly say she didn't know much about music theory, but somehow she managed to give me a solid foundation of Music's framework and technicalities.

In 7th grade, I had a brief fling with the violin.  It's hard to say who suffered more--me or Music, but after nine months my tortured teacher and I convinced my mother that I was not suited to stringed instruments.  (Word to the wise: If a child is struggling with self-esteem anyway, don't let them try learning a stringed instrument of any kind.  Shudder.)

I never actually got violent in the relationship, but I was tempted.

One day, on the long, quiet drive home from one of those nerve-fraught violin lessons, I said tentatively  "You know what kind of lessons I'd really like to take, Mom?  Voice lessons."  Her response was noncommittal, and although I put the violin down (RIP), I still continued with piano.

Chapter 2

With my first year of high school came the true ignition of my love affair with Music!  I joined a community children's treble choir, and was overcome by luscious harmonies, seductive rhythms, and breathtaking melodies.  For four years I poured myself into the choir, attending rehearsals twice a week and practicing my own notes at the piano in between.  My dates with Music were mostly group dates now, and every rehearsal was something between a sweaty workout and a steamy massage.  (It's a wonder I don't have permanent bruising where I'd beat my knee with a pencil to keep track of downbeats in tricky passages.)

Hello, Nineties.

At the start of my senior year, there was no question: Music and I were going steady.  In addition to just-for-fun harpsichord lessons, I started private voice lessons with a prestigious performer in our city.  A whole new world of trilled-'r' vocalizes and operatic arias was opened up to me.  I wasn't "blending" my voice in a choir during these lessons: I was developing a solo voice of my very own.

One thing led to another, and when I realized that I couldn't imagine my life without Music, we decided to take the relationship to the next level, and I began preparing voice auditions for college music schools.

Chapter 3

I was accepted with merit scholarships to a performance program at a conservatory of music.  My life felt right, my relationship with Music felt right, and I was excited to become a great singer--a remarkable singer.  A famous singer!  The world of opera opened the curtains and beckoned me in.

My first year of study was exhilarating   Core classes came more easily to me than to some (I thanked my early piano teacher for giving me such a good grasp of music theory); I adored acting classes; and I practiced hard to be ready for competitions and auditions.

But as happens in some relationships, in my second year at the conservatory, Music and I began to fight a little.  I wanted it to carry me into the international opera world.  My voice professor suggested I might be more suited to some kind of career in sacred music.  But that was not my plan, and I fought with doubt and discouragement.

In the first half of my third year, practice room dates with Music usually ended in tears, if they didn't start that way.  For four months I lived abroad, studying and practicing in one of the world's most musical cities, but my dreams of a career with Music began to crumble.  When I imagined a life of endless auditions and constant travel, I felt desperately lonely and anxious.  Standing in the cheap "seats" night after night at the city opera, the stage looked further and further away.  For me, the curtains of a performance career were closing.

Chapter 4

At the end of those four months abroad, Music and I decided to take a big step back in our relationship.  We didn't break up--I continued my studies at the conservatory--but we agreed to see other people to expand our horizons.  Lo and behold, the following semester I fell in love with someone else.  Namely, with Jay.  During the first months of my senior year, I married him.

I stayed friends with Music, but on a more reserved, professional level.  I completed my Bachelor's of Music degree in Voice Performance.  I sang in church sometimes.  I directed our church choir and led Sunday music a couple times a month.  I taught a handful of voice lessons.  I coached Jay's men's quartet  But most of my energies went into earning money at office jobs (Jay went into graduate school during our first couple years of marriage) and managing a household for two.

When my first baby arrived on the scene, my main response to Music was fatigue.  It just took too much of my limited energy.  When a second baby arrived less than 2 years after the first, my relationship with Music got buried to the point of being something like a dirty secret.  But it was a secret that festered.

Chapter 5

I've been jealous.  Jealous of the love affairs others were having with Music.  Jealous of performers who were "successful" in their music careers.  I've been angry.  Memories of reverse-favoritism by professors, lack of opportunities, what-ifs, and if-onlys have fed a growing sense of bitterness.  My alma mater became an icon of betrayal.  Over a decade of living in the same city after graduation, I have attended not one single student performance there.  I cringe every time I walk through the campus, hoping I won't be spotted by a former professor--one who might look at me and think, "Failure."

Nighttime dreams of college failure plague me.  I'm in school, but forgot to sign up for voice lessons.  I'm one semester away from graduating but I didn't fulfill the performance requirements.  My professor sees me across campus and turns her head in disappointment.  I am rejected at auditions.  I forget to attend class.

Maybe I'm not the only musician with bad dreams.

Fear choked any remaining sparks of attraction I had toward Music.  Fear of inadequacy, fear of not singing the "right" way, fear of judgment, fear of commitment.

Plus, the reality is that I've been busy!  Raising and homeschooling two boys, losing two moms, buying two houses and losing one, hosting a full procession of holidays and events, dealing with alcohol, developing and maintaining yards, taking three international trips, walking through a murder trial, washing endless dishes, marrying off three sisters and two dads...the last several years have been jam-packed.  The way I've seen it, why should I spend precious time and energy on a relationship that only fills me with pain?  Music was almost dead to me.

Almost.

Sometimes our nightmares reveal what are actually deep longings.  Check with your friendly neighborhood therapist for more detail on that, but I believe that during this dark time of bitterness I've been waiting and hoping for reconciliation with a Love that seemingly abandoned me.

Chapter 6

Have you ever fallen in love?  Did your heart flutter whenever you thought about the One?  Did you eagerly look forward to time together?  Did you spend un-counted minutes and hours thinking of ways to show your affection?  Did you giggle and smile?  Did you find yourself wanting to talk--or write--about your love?

This is the state I've been in for the last month.

"Why the change?" you ask.  "Did Music change or did you?"

Both!  Well okay, I guess I can only take the relationship metaphor so far.  Any changes that have happened in my relationship to Music came from my end, so here are some of the catalysts for my healing (yay lists!):

• Al-Anon.  No, really!  Primary among the things I've learned/re-learned during my 18 months in this sister-to-Alcoholics Anonymous program are that 1) God's good plan for my life is His plan for my life, and His plan for others' lives are for their lives; 2) I am a valuable person apart from my accomplishments; 3) I do have faults and need to accept myself as I work toward improving.
• Recognition that I have more gifts than singing.  Learning to value myself as a whole has been key to rejecting guilt.  Who is to say that the gifts used to organize a memorial service are somehow inferior to the gifts used for enthralling thousands from a stage?
• Letting go of the vice-grip that there is one good way to physically sing.  Maybe my voice professor wouldn't approve of the technique I use to sing in praise band--and maybe the technique wouldn't carry me into the opera halls of Europe--but I have fun doing it (AKA no despondent practice room tears) and I know listeners enjoy it too.
• Time.  Nine hours a week, to be exact.  It's not that I spend all the time my kids are in class "doing" music stuff, but the weekly breathing space allows me time to think.  To feel.  To dream.  To finagle my schedule.  It's a wide margin in the composition page of a harried sketch artist.
• Opportunity.  You heard me!  Opportunity!  This item deserves a chapter all to itself.

Chapter 7

Six months ago I attended a special-event worship service of sacred music by a quartet from a local church.  It consisted of a female singer (who also played guitar, banjo, glockenspiel, and clarinet), an electric guitarist, a mandolinist (also taking a turn on banjo), and a pianist.  The music was beautiful, sensitive, intelligent, welcoming, humble.  I shed many tears during the performance, thinking, "Yes!  This is music I love!  These are people who aren't performing just to impress! This is a kind of group I would love to be part of.  I wish...."  But I hardly dared acknowledge my hopeful, aching longings.

Afterward, a friend who had attended with me said, "I want more worship services like that!  I'm not a musician so I don't know how I could participate, but I'm going to talk with the lead singer and see if we can come up with something."  My heart thumped.

"I would like that too," I responded, "...and I'd love to sing with them...would you ask the leader if I could call her?"

A few weeks later, about eight people got together and brainstormed.  The quartet was happy to set aside two Sunday afternoons a month (in addition to their regular rehearsals) for very loosely structured times of singing, praying, and reflection.  The quartet leader welcomed any other musicians who would like to participate in those Sunday afternoons, and I jumped.  We started meeting in May.

The Sunday afternoon equation looked something like this: Nice people + talented musicians + no performance pressure + a relaxed atmosphere + very, very cool music + a small group (not me alone, but my contribution makes a difference) + space for contemplation of God's goodness = Safety, Delight, Love.  Music was wooing me back.

Then, at the beginning of September, the quartet leader said off-hand, "Hey Rachel!  I think I remember you saying you're busy on Thursday nights, but if you're free, would you like to join our regular quartet rehearsals?  Another guitarist has started coming, and I'd love to have you as a second vocalist in the group, too."

It was as if she casually reached into her pocket and said, "Hey, here's a winning lottery ticket!  Wanna share it with me?"

I didn't cry when I thanked her and assured her I'd be there.  I didn't yell or whoop or run around in circles.  Okay, I did smile broadly.  I think I did a delighted little hand-clappy dance at the first rehearsal when we sight-read a new piece together.  (I'm also pretty sure Jay cried when I came home afterward and he saw how happy I was.)  But I am happy.  Hopeful.  Healing.

Chapter 8

So what's different about my love affair with Music this time around?

For one, I'm obviously older and wiser.  My teenage romance burned with passion but lacked healthy perspective.  Two, I'm not singing to be famous.  Crazy how much pressure that removes!  Three, I'm not singing "required" music.  I'm singing what I choose and what I love!  (Okay okay, shout-out to my conservatory voice professor: You were right about me and sacred music.)  Four, I'm not singing to impress anyone.  I'm singing because it's fun!  I enjoy going over a piece and playing with voicing and instrumentation.  Five, I feel accepted.  The "quartet" (which is not strictly four people anymore) invited me in.  They respect my musicianship for where it is.

Six, the music group is the opposite of pretentious.  The whole reason they formed in the first place is because they found they were staying late after church services to play around with music together.  They enjoy challenging themselves, but are relaxed about what they do or don't want to attempt.  They're kind to each other.  They're creative without being snobby.

Seven, I don't have to organize things!  Do you have any idea how much stress that eliminates?  I'm not in charge of scheduling, recruiting, teaching, researching.  I'm there to sing and learn.  And worship.

Behind this whole love affair there is one Matchmaker.  He is the greatest artist and musician ever known.  In fact, He created art, music, beauty, joy, love!  He created me and loves me with all my features, faults, and foibles.  While I will never be able to see all the details of His ultimately good plan for my life, I know that guilt, bitterness, and resentment don't need to be a part of it.  I want to walk forward with faith and hope, learning from my past and meeting my future with open hands.

Will I ever become a famous singer?  I dunno (and for the first time in my life, don't really care).  Will more and more music opportunities open up to me?  I dunno.  Will I have more disappointment and grief in my life?  Probably.  Will I continue to heal and learn?  I hope so!

But in my current love-flushed glow of enjoying music, enjoying my voice, enjoying exploration, one question shines out above the rest:

How can I keep from singing?